The Spire

Jane Connelly ’27

Amateur Meteorologist

Students, faculty and staff—please direct your attention to the general announcement below. General disclaimer: Do not disregard the urgency of this report despite its possible misclassification in one such erroneous section as “The Eggplant”. Our editors, despite their incessant efforts to be vigilant and unerring in their (much appreciated) work, oftentimes fall victim to human error. 

The College’s weather department (yes this is a real thing) mandated the following cautionary measures.  

1. Don’t go outside. As a result of the storm, extreme temperatures and record breaking wind speeds are predicted to ensue in the coming week. In consideration for the personal safety of all campus residents, administration has asked that students limit the time they spend outside of their immediate surroundings. They go so far as to suggest that students stay in their rooms until a subsequent statement is issued to lift the mandates.
2. Lower all shades and blockade windows before the snow begins to fall. Weather experts have disclosed inside intel about the details of the storm. Their reports seem to suggest that the nature of the expected precipitation is unprecedented: the mere sight of it will purportedly cause irreversible damage to the retina. Just raising your blinds an inch or “taking a peek” may result in thousands of dollars in medical bills that the College has made clear they will not cover. 
3. Delete the weather app from all electronic devices. It’s honestly just offensive to our credibility here at The Spire. Why do you need to consult a secondary source? Take our word for it, seriously.
4. Limit your exposure to contact with family members/acquaintances within the immediate Worcester area. They will be fine. You will be fine. Don’t be dramatic. Worcester PD will be monitoring and controlling phone lines for the next few days to ensure that no “checking in” occurs. 
5. We will issue a formal statement regarding the perilous conditions so please be advised that any and all contact with your mom is completely unnecessary (and not to mention inconsiderate of her feelings due to her anxious tendencies). 

Additional message for faculty and staff: There are to be no assignments issued at this time. Postponing of all assessments and exams will be in effect until the student body reports feelings of total ease and familiarity with the course material (to be recorded by survey). In doing so, the College aims to promote their mission as an institution that, above all, prioritizes the mental health and overall wellness of their students. 

Stay tuned for the aforementioned survey in next week’s issue of The Spire. Writers are hopeful that next time it will appear in its rightful form as front page news. 

Copy Edited by Sabine Hinkaty ’26