Caitlin Wiffler’27
Staff Writer
Q: I have been sick all week, and I don’t know what to do. No medicine works. Please help.
A: This is what you want to do: definitely get out of your room. You might think resting, staying out of people’s way is a good idea, but no. What you want to do is go to Dinand for hours. Sit near someone who looks like they are trying to study for an exam. Then, cough as loudly as you possibly can every two seconds. This method won’t cure your illness, but, trust me, it is what’s necessary. If you feel up to it, you can also find tissues and blow your nose for maybe ten minutes. Again, make sure you are doing this in the middle of Dinand, preferably near that person who is studying.
Q: My boyfriend and I broke up!! What do I do??
A: Simple. What is the most important thing happening in men’s lives right now? Fortnite. Yes, that is right, Fortnite. There is a great chance that your ex is sitting in his dorm right now crying over this game. So, what are you going to do? Get on Fortnite. Learn everything there is to know about this game. Practice for hours. Once you are ready, figure out when your ex is playing his next game. Then, play until you are the only two left in the game. You should be able to ruin his entire night if you beat him then. Hope this helps!
Q: I have an exam tomorrow and I barely studied. How can I still pass?
A: This one is a little difficult. What I would say is go to Dinand. It is probably a better option than your dorm desk. Then, sit at a table in the main room and take up the entire space. Oh! I almost forgot – before you do that, you need to go to Starbucks at Cafe Babel (also typically referred to as Proudly Serving Starbucks at Cafe Babel. Trust me, most people call it the full name. Some just say Proudly Serving!) and get yourself a venti iced caramel latte. If you are skipping lunch to study, get a croissant too. Okay, now you are all set to go to Dinand. Once you have the entire table filled with random stuff that you probably do not need out, you can begin studying by doing the Wordle, the New York Times Mini Crossword Puzzle, and the New York Times Connections game. This will probably take you thirty minutes to finish. Then, take your first bite of that croissant you got. You are going to get crumbs everywhere, and that is okay! This is what studying is all about. Now, once you are ready to focus, you are most likely going to notice that the person sitting at the table in front of you is coughing every two seconds. Do not fret! This is bound to happen. What you need to do to retaliate is take a tiny sip of your iced caramel latte every five minutes and make sure the ice makes a really loud noise every time you place it down. Do this for three hours, and you will probably be halfway through the drink! By doing all these steps, you will ace your test!
Photo courtesy of OpenVerse
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