President Rougeau Announces Exact Date and Time of the End of the World

Lauren Poltorak ‘26

The Awakened One

“April 17th, 2027 at 3:54 PM Eastern Daylight Time.” 

These were the shocking words of President Rougeau following an unexpected public appearance last week in the Hoval. He appeared alongside many esteemed campus figures, among them being several Kimball Captains and therapy dogs, Tomo and Toshi. 

As students sat outside in the Hoval enjoying the warm spring day, a group of mysterious figures in black robes encircled the grassy edge of the lawn blaring an ominous tune from goat horns. They were followed by a procession of various Kimball Captains holding blazing, blood-red candles, chanting in a tongue forgotten by our books. Finally, a crimson carpet was rolled across the grass by Tomo and Toshi, clad in their finest tin-foil hats, also chanting in dog language. As the swell of the chanting reached its climax, the skies turned black and thunder rumbled from above as if they too were calling upon someone to deliver their decree to the masses. Gusts of wind began to rage, and in a flash of lightning, President Rougeau himself appeared among the retinue of robed figures. 

Everyone in the premises bent to the floor in supplication as the President approached the center of the field. He raised his blood-stained hands to the skies, and the wind and thunder ceased in order to listen to the words of the esteemed President. “Brothers and Sisters, a wretched fate has befallen Mankind,” he started. “The Old Gods weep at our arrogance, they have spoken to me thus, for I am the mouthpiece of their fury. As punishment they shall raze the Earth and all who walk upon it.” As he delivered the unholy message, he began to convulse as if an erratic spirit had filled his being. The robed figures began to tremble and weep as the convulsions became more and more erratic. Suddenly, the convulsing stopped and President Rougeau stood tall, with eyes turned to charcoal. With a clear yet supernatural voice he said “April 17th, 2027 at 3:54 PM Eastern Daylight Time. At that moment, humanity shall fall and the Earth shall be pure once again.” 

With those words, he lowered his hands to the side and his eyes returned to his original color. The world remained hushed as President Rougeau and his cadre departed back to Fenwick. The skies returned to their cyan hue and the sun shone warmly on the Hoval once again. In a second, students returned to their regular activities as if nothing had happened. When asked about the unusual phenomenon, students appeared confused. One student responded, “I think you’re just making this up for attention.” Another student said, “With truth the wise President has spoken. There is no redemption. Suffering is all that is left for Man.” The root of this situation is still being investigated, yet many questions remain unanswered.

Featured Still-image courtesy of time and March 31, 2023 update: 1477 Days

Categories: Eggplant

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