Eggplant

The Last Spire

Michael Vail ‘24

So Long, and Goodnight

This is it: the last Spire issue of the semester. And as you all know, it is also the last Spire you will ever see. After December 9, 2022, the Spire will be discontinued. But I didn’t need to tell you that. It’s common knowledge.

It’s been a good run! Many times have been had.

I’m sure all of you are wondering why the Spire is shutting down. For the first time, COVID-19 is not the answer. The real reason can only be explained by the text I received from the Chief News Editor last week:

“Hey, I’m just letting you know that I am not on speaking terms with the Features section. All they do is write about what we write about. Like, stop copying us! Be original!”

And by the text I received from the Chief Features Editor:

“Can you believe the nerve of the News section? They don’t have a monopoly on campus events. How many times do they want us to talk about the fiftieth wave of food trucks on the Hoval? ‘Oh, yippee, another food truck is back this Friday at 11 pm! Guess who it is: the Dogfather or La Mesa? Trick question, it’s both! Come stand in the freezing wind for a half hour while your friends on the apartment plan are out the door with their Croads meal in only two minutes.’ Why don’t they just report on more important things and let us handle the school events?”

The clash between the two sections is ongoing and seems to be destroying the Spire’s infrastructure from the inside. Meanwhile, the Opinions section is still looking for people with opinions.

In response to the Spire’s collapse, the Sports section will be starting their own newspaper, to be named after the Holy Cross Football team in acknowledgement of their success. “They helped us become better writers,” the section reported. “There are only so many ways you can say, ‘They won again,’ so they really forced us to be creative. We are forever in their debt.”

At the Eggplant, we have decided to start our own YouTube channel consisting of six-hour-long, satirical video essays. Our upload schedule is nonexistent and we currently have eight subscribers—coincidentally, this number is equal to the number of family members we have shamelessly advertised to.

When asked to release an official statement, the Co-Editors-in-Chief replied, “Without a doubt, the Spire will go down in history as one of the newspapers ever.”

Categories: Eggplant

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