Lauren Poltorak ‘26

Santa’s General Counsel Elf

Santa Claus has filed a $30 million lawsuit against Holy Cross over the alleged use of his famous, and not yet copyrighted tune, “O Christmas Tree.” Represented by the same team OJ Simpson used in 1994, Santa Claus filed suit in the Eastern District Court located in New York City. The suit alleges that the Holy Cross football team, the Holy Cross Crusaders, have been using the tune of Santa’s song for their own alma mater song. The legal team claims $30 million in damages as a result of losses attributed to Holy Cross receiving massive donations towards their endowment from athletic sponsorships and event ticket sales. 

President Rougeau announced the formation of an emergency task force, spearheaded by world-renowned legal expert Johnnie Cochran. The taskforce will include several notable campus leaders, including the President of Hanselman Hall. Responding to Santa’s legal team, the taskforce responded, “Who asked?”

The legal battle has been dubbed ‘the case of the century,’ with prominent outside notables weighing in. Asked for his comment, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts replied, “Let’s be honest, has anyone ever seen this Santa guy? He just comes into your house out of nowhere!” Quickly after his remarks, the United States Senate impeached him on grounds of “treasonous and goofy ahh sentiments.” 

The case is set for a showdown on January 20th, 2023 with Judge Judy presiding, along with Holy Cross alumni Justice Clarence Thomas. Some critics are skeptical of his ability to preside with prejudice due to the fact that Thomas was responsible for the formation of several Santa-denying organizations during his time on campus.

Image from https://thegraphicsfairy.com/free-vintage-clip-art-santa-santa-santa/