Matthew Anderson ‘21

Has the Makings of a Varsity Athlete

Sometimes real-life events are stranger than anything we can come up with here at The Eggplant. According to a survey by J.D. Power, last month, Holy Cross became the second-largest furniture retailer in the nation (behind Ashley Furniture Home Stores) after giving every student a lawn chair. This led to many large, intimate outdoor gatherings that have been a possible contributor to a COVID-19 surge on campus (though let’s not let anyone off the hook who decided to spend Easter in Florida). Now, with an extension of the Orange Alert and other imposed restrictions–most tragically, in a paradoxical twist, outdoor gatherings have been nixed, leaving the disbursed chairs gathering dust–as a result, we at The Eggplant have decided to draft up a list of ten amazing things you can still do with your H.C. lawn chair, all from the safety of your dorm!

1. Sit back for a game of indoor Stickball! Or whatever that tradition is that the Holy Cross wiki still claims we do. 
2. Hoist all the lawn chairs you and your roommates have siphoned from the College onto your back and work out by going up and down the dorm stairs. Hope people notice how many you’re carrying. Grandma was right, you are becoming a big strong boy. 
3. Throw on a snapback, 5-inch inseam shorts, a tank-top, slides, and sink into your chair from the comfort of your dorm room, pretending that in a few weeks’ time you’ll be down the Cape. Pensively snap back to reality and weep.
4. Win a Darwin Award by trusting one of them enough to stand on it to get something just out of reach.
5. *Suggested by Father Boroughs* In lieu of physically going to Mass, tune into the livestream from the comfort of your H.C. lawn chair. The lawn chair’s small size and uncomfortable shape were actually inspired by the pews in St. Joe’s! Close your eyes and it’ll feel like you’re there. 

Note to Hannah: Turns out it’s kinda hard to think of funny situations involving lawn chairs, so I’m dead out of ideas. If you can think of any off the top of your head when editing feel free to add. But no pressure, it’s also kinda funny that the numbers don’t match up in the slightest. Plus it looks like Michael wrote a long article so if there’s not much space, all the better that I couldn’t think of anything