Krispy Vaccine

Mario Micallef ’22

Eggplant Editor

[Krispy Kreme Drive-Thru, Conway Arkansas, 5:35 A.M.]

[A tan 1999 Toyota Celica pulls up in front of a green and red picture menu display and speaker.]

Woman In Speaker: Hi there! Good Morning! Welcome to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts!! My name’s Patty. How may I help you today?

Jet: Hi. I’m here to get ma free donut.

Patty: How exciting! You got vaccinated! I will be more than happy to provide you a free glazed donut because of what you have done to help end the spread of Covid-19 by getting vaccinated. Please pull forward and provide your vaccination card at the first wind-

Jet: Say what? What’d you say now? 

Patty: Please pull to the first window and have your vaccination card ready. 

Jet: Whatchu on about Miss Menu? I brought my vasslean just like the ad said. ‘Free donut with proof of your vasslean.’ 

[Jet holds up a tub of Vaseline out the driver’s side window.] 

Patty: I am sorry, Sir. I don’t know what you mean by ‘vasslean’. I can’t quite make out what you have in your hand. All you have to do is provide proof of your vaccine.

Jet: Jesus, I am. Look. I’m hungry too. Here. Here’s my vasslean

[Jet scoops two finger tips full of Vaseline out of the tub and holds it out of the window.]

Patty: Sir. No. The promotion is…OK. The promotion is for -and you can go ahead and put down the Vaseline- getting the vaccine. The Covid-19 vaccine. 

Jet: Listen here Patrick. 

[Jet wipes the large scoop of Vaseline on his driver-side door and puts the rest on his lips.]

Jet (while applying the Vaseline): I don’t care what day it is. I just want my free donut. Lady on the play box in ma car told me I’d get my free donut if I showed you my vasslean and now you’re givin me problems. You don’t want to give me problems.

Patty: There’s no problem, Sir. Again, I will be happy to give you one of our fresh warm glazed donuts, free of charge, so long as you provide proof that you have gotten the Covid-19 vaccination. 

Jet: So you’re tellin me, alls I gots to do is get a shot and I get my free donut.

Patty: That is correct. Is there anything else I can get you today, Sir?

[There is some silence as Jet thinks on this for almost 45 seconds.]

Patty: Sir? Are you there?

[Jet peels off over the green cement island median to the right of the drive-thru.]

2 Hours Later

Patty: Hi there! Good Morning! Welcome to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts!! My name’s Patty. How may I- 

Jet: Here to get ma free donut. Got my vaccines.

Patty: Welcome back, Sir. If you have your vaccine card please pull forward. 

Jet: Yes Ma’am. 

[Jet’s ‘99 Celica chugs forward to the window. He digs into his wallet.]

Patty (leaning out of the window): Hi there. 

Jet: Got my vaccines. Give me my donuts.

[Jet lifts both of his t-shirt sleeves up, exposing 6 bandages on each arm.]

Patty: Sir! I don’t appreciate this kind of foolery. Anybody can put 6 bandages on their arm and claim they got the vaccine.

Jet: Don’t believe me? Fine. Here are my cards. Now give me my donuts! 

[Jet pulls out a dozen white vaccination cards and holds them out like a poker match (all with the various Covid-19 Vaccines).]

Patty (leaning out the window even more): Sir! Good Lord! I, I, I don’t know what to say. I guess there’s no faking that. You’ll get your donuts alright. Pull up to the second window.

Jet: Thank you, thank you.

[Jet pulls forward to the next window. He grabs the box of a dozen glazed donuts.] 

Second Window Man: There you are, Sir. Will there be anything else? 

Jet: Yeah. Y’all can have these. 

[Jet throws the vaccine cards at the Drive-Thru window and peels off. Some of the cards make it into the restaurant, others fall to the ground. The Second Window Man holds up 3 of the cards. They read:

Modern Vasslean, Oct 19, Jet Mclenan, One Dose

Phizer Vasslean, Oct 19, Jet Mclenan, One Dose

Jon’s Sons and Jons’ Son, Oct 19, Jet Mclean, One Dose

Second Window Man: I didn’t know peoples was still usin crayons to

Categories: Eggplant

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