Eggplant

The Hill’s Deadliest Beasts: A Survival Guide

Brian Saville ‘22 

Local Skunk Wrangler

With springtime now upon us, students on campus will be flocking to the outdoors to catch some sun and have some fun. We’ve been told by the powers that be that for now, outdoor gatherings are safer than indoor gatherings, but just HOW safe are they? While the droplets from your friends’ breath pose less of a threat in the great outdoors, around every corner lurks a frightening wild animal just waiting to ruin your day. As the self-proclaimed Steve Irwin of the Holy Cross campus, I feel it is my duty to inform the masses about these threats to our warm weather well-being. Once you can protect yourself from these seven dangerous creatures, you’ll be ready to enjoy an outdoor afternoon on the hill without fear. 

Mosquito

The mosquitos missed you last spring, and they are even more ravenous for your blood than ever before. They might still be carrying Triple E, which, holy moly, remember when that was like the scariest illness we could conceive of? How wonderfully limited our imaginations were. Anyway, mosquitos will leave you alone if you make your blood taste as grotesque as possible. This can be achieved by having an ample amount of any Cool Beans milkshake ranked D-tier or lower in your system at all times. 

Chickadee

Chickadees are the state bird of Massachusetts, and they do not take kindly to outsiders. If they peg you for an out-of-stater, they can and will peck at your eyes. If you’re not from around here, throw the chickadees off your scent by incorporating heavy use of the term “wicked” into your vocabulary.

Opossum

The sly opossum is known to play dead when threatened. Unfortunately, this may result in your being charged with play-manslaughter in a possum court of law. Flip the script on these swindlers by collapsing to the ground when you see one as if you are Buzz Lightyear and Andy is coming up the stairs. Alarmed by the legal implications of this, the opossum will skip town. 

Crow

Crows are jerks and will eat anything, including the naan panini you are carrying back from D’Agostino Cafe because they won’t just let you eat the thing in there. To prevent them from stealing your lunch, recite any of the works of Edgar Allan Poe. This will convince the crow that you have mistaken it for a raven. The crow will be offended and leave. 

Skunk

Fearless skunks roam our campus by night, and if threatened will launch an olfactory attack rivalling the stench of that rotting banana in the stacks that nobody will go anywhere near. Skunks pose a danger to students with inexplicably impaired senses on the weekends, who can easily mistake them for lost kittens. Skunks rely heavily on their sense of smell and will leave you alone if you out-stink them. If you plan on going for a midnight stroll across the hill, smother yourself in Axe body spray first. 

Hawk

Red-tailed Hawks frequent the skies above Mount Saint James, and they are always hungry for flesh. They have been known to prey on underclassmen, who are sometimes mistaken for small rodents. The best defense against these terrors of the skies would be to make yourself appear larger by carrying an umbrella and/or wearing a hoop skirt at all times. 

First-Year Student

The most dangerous creatures you will encounter on the Holy Cross Campus this spring are those that walk among us: first-year students, which have been known to carry the COVID-19 FR.0.5H variant. While intimidating, they are not yet very intelligent, and will not attack if they believe you to be one of their kind. If approached by a first-year student, simply making a remark like “did you hear about the hallway party on Brooks 4 last night?” or “Can you tell me how to get to the Dining Library?” is enough to convince them that you are one of their kind.

All Images Courtesy of Google.

Categories: Eggplant

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