Hannah Johnson ‘21

metagator

Campus is abuzz with excitement about the Jo, a new location advertised for the potential of seeing other people, Not On A Computer. Oh, and I guess there’s also potential for fitness, recreation, and wellness there, if you are interested in that kind of thing, but we’re not all athletes.

Due to recent interest, many have demanded that the Eggplant cover this beautiful new building, and we bow to the demands of the people. Conveniently enough, I began working at the Jo last week, as a Fitness Master, a highly exclusive position. And as part of my training, I got to know all the ins and outs of the Jo. Due to a vow of silence and a nondisclosure agreement, I can only say so much, but for the benefit of all my fellow students, I would like to share the following insights!

• There is a small lobby a little ways in from the main entrance that is a designated milkshake drinking-area. It’s a perfect place to rest, socialize, and enjoy a sugary dairy-based drink before/after working out and making your body very warm, sweaty, and dehydrated. 

EXCLUSIVE TIP: The milkshake lobby is currently only accepting students that would place the chocolate milkshake at at least a C-tier!! It is a bit of a setback, but with any luck, the Jo will become more welcoming of diverse opinions over time. If you are outed as a chocolate milkshake-hater, be prepared to finish your milkshake at the front entrance before being allowed inside the Jo proper. (I am personally enforcing this rule during my shifts.)

• Be sure to wipe down your olympical, hypodermic, Cardi-B, and Strongth machines before use, during use (with each sweat drop you produce), after use, and then between workout blocks. You will not be paid to wipe down the equipment, and I will be paid, but I will appreciate your help. :3

INSIDER SCOOP: Tripping over the equipment and being careless is a great way to work spontaneous pushups and reflexive action into your valued workout time. The Fitness Master on duty will clear the area for you using small orange cones and signs so that no one disturbs you, but you WILL be asked to also wipe up your sweat droplets from the floor and any equipment you come into contact with. And then the Master will also wipe up after you, because we trust no one.

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• With the absence of treadmills, your options are to run outside of the building, or to power walk around the Jo. Only walking is allowed on the indoor track during testing hours.

SUPER SECRET HOT TIP! There are actually times when you can run on the indoor track. You can run on the middle lane, outside of testing hours (the lunchtime hour, and on weekends), clockwise on M/W/F/Sat, counter-clockwise T/Th/Sun, backwards when Mercury is in retrograde, and carefully when there are dumbbells on the track. (We have small orange cones in case of accidents.)

• Definitely take advantage of the communal hot tub. It’s not listed on myHC, and is only accessible if you can find the hidden entrance. You may be asked for a secret code word, but that [REDACTED]. Otherwise, if you [REDACTED], you will be asked to  [REDACTED] while [REDACTED]. Be cautious if you see any [REDACTED] in the waters, because they bite sometimes!

I hope you found this article insightful! I will be investigating to see whether or not more information could be divulged about the Jo, or if we could know more about [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED].

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