Live from Cool Beans: Milkshake Tier List

Michael Vail ‘24

Frozen Treat Connoisseur

“Hello folks, this is a broadcast live from Cool Beans, and boy do I have a story for you!
Over the past month I’ve been on campus, I’ve spent many nights at Cool Beans to burn through my dining dollars. I’ll be honest, I’m not a coffee drinker. Never have been. Naturally, the remaining options are limited, especially since the chai lattes taste like coffee. Seriously, what’s up with that? Is there even tea in them?

The point is, I’ve been drinking a lot of milkshakes, and now I can finally present to you my long-awaited Milkshake Tier List!

I’ll start with the first drink I ever tried: the strawberry milkshake. I wasn’t expecting much, so maybe my low expectations altered my judgment, but I was a huge fan of this shake! It had a solid, but not excellent, flavor. What won me over was the fact that after I spilled it all over the library floor, most of it managed to be absorbed by the carpet, which says a lot about the drink’s consistency. In the grand scheme of things, it was a welcoming addition to my arrival on campus, and I’d place it in the A-tier.

But good things don’t last forever. I had even higher expectations for the vanilla milkshake. Many people think vanilla to be a ‘plain’ flavor, but I view it as an underrated classic. Well, Cool Beans certainly spat on that opinion, or maybe directly into the shake, because it was overwhelmingly mediocre. The flavor, average; the consistency, too thick; my mood, depressed. I was really having a good day and this shake ruined it. I admit, maybe my hopes were too high, or perhaps I was just unlucky. I’ll give it a C-tier, and that’s generous.

I haven’t tried the chocolate shake. F-tier.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the cookies and cream milkshake! The crown jewel of Cool Beans! This drink was an absolute pleasure, with its delectable flavor and consistency which was moderately thick, enough to be ‘milkshakey’, but not too much so to be difficult to suck through the straw. I highly recommend this S-tier- sorry, I’m receiving an update. One moment, please. What? Not on the menu? They got rid of it!? Well, I never!

Hey, kid! Sebastian Davies, or whatever. You’re on live TV right now. How do you feel about Cool Beans removing their best milkshake flavor from the menu?

‘Me? Oh, I don’t mind, I think their new mint chip flavor is actually pretty good.’

What the hell? Awful. Disgraceful. You, sir, are below F-tier. Hey, don’t grimace at me!

Sorry about that, guys. Anyway, that will do it for my Milkshake Tier List. I give Cool Beans a final rating of D-tier. I’d fail them, but their matcha is pretty good.”

Categories: Eggplant

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