Mario Micallef ’22
An EggPlanting Editor
[On a Teleprompter, somewhere out There.]
“A picture paints a thousand words,” so they say, but does it really? Find out all about it tonight on Eggplant Live, with me, your host – Rosel McDork.
[Queue uplifting yet stern, royalty-free broadcast music.]
Determined to settle this heated conundrum that leaves many people scratching their heads, I flew to Cincinnati and caught up with A picture and A thousand words, both of which directed many spitflying sentences at me about this matter. To say that these two have beef would be the understatement of my baby cattle’s lifetime. It all started on a sunny summer afternoon, in 1977, on a Cincinnati farm’s barn wall that was covered in a beautiful painting of another barn wall covered by a thousand words. I asked A picture and A thousand words’ family members about when the two fell apart. A picture is actually alone, without a family, so I started with A thousand words. A thousand words’ mother said it all started when A picture claimed that they were in fact the artist of the painting. A thousand words’ mother wants to make it very clear, “It was him! It was him! It was my son, A thousand words, who is the real artist of the painting of the barn wall on the barn wall.” Now, this may be a little confusing without some type of example to see. Unfortunately the barn was left to dust by a fire several years ago brought on by a metaphorical and chemical explosion. So, we had Marty in our art department mock up what words on a barn wall on top of a barn wall in Cincinnati would have looked like.
[A horribly ridiculous illustration of a barn wall covered in words on a barn wall is displayed.]
To get the full story of this mess, I caught up with A picture and he had some choice words for A thousand words (some of which have been redacted for decency). I asked A picture point blank, “Who painted the picture of the thousand words?” They laughed right in my face and walked away. It wasn’t until I calmed their nerves by showing a picture of two scoops of chocolate ice cream on a waffle cone that I keep in my wallet that they finally told me what had happened all those years ago. “It’s like this, see…” he stammered, “I am A picture so I don’t see how anybody can claim it was A thousand words who painted it.” Shucks. This sure is a hot mess! Now, I’m no Jerry Springer. I don’t believe in that type of entertainment, but after spending weeks in Cincinnati – and falling in love with a member of A thousand words’ family (we are expecting), I felt it was my duty as a real journalist to settle this hostile conflict once and for all. Viewers at home, you might be wondering: why hasn’t Rosel McDork questioned A thousand words about their take on the matter? I can’t believe our intern fact checker missed this fact but (folks with children at home, take precaution) A thousand words is dead. They died, as it’s being reported live here tonight, in the infamous barn explosion. I went back to A thousand words’ mother and she is adamant that A picture had something to do with it.
[A picture of a tub of Jif extra crispy peanut butter is incorrectly displayed.]
I was determined to put this all to rest and settle this for the sake of humanity. I grabbed A picture’s shoulders, looked him square in his foreground and asked, “Did you kill A thousand words?” He replied calmly, “No, I didn’t kill him. But I tell you once again, as God as my witness, I did paint him. I don’t know what happened to A thousand words. You know we were soulmates when we lived on the prairie back in the ‘60s? Some say the son of an arrow became 0 Words because he couldn’t grapple with the truth that I painted him, some say he was caught up with the wrong crowd of syllables.” You’ve heard it here first folks. In the end, the truth is all that’s left to show as A picture did paint A thousand words.
[Rosel McDork is shown holding her first born in a hospital bed.]