Student Unsure How to Ask if Person in Next Stall Alive or Not

Matt Anderson ‘21 
Genuinely Concerned

In an impromptu interview conducted in an Alumni bathroom this weekend, a first-year student, Ivan Ichianus ‘23, expressed concern that the person in the stall next to them may be in dire straits. 

“He’s been there every time I’ve gone to pee. I didn’t realize the human body could physically handle vomiting that long. I was wondering if maybe I should ask if he was good,” said Ivan, gesturing worriedly towards the stall in question, “but I was afraid that would seem like a total first-year move. He’s not vomiting anymore, but, besides the random twitch, he’s not really moving either…” 

Being regrettably familiar with what the interior of a toilet bowl looked like myself, I followed the age-old Holy Cross ritual of making sure our beleaguered comrade still had a pulse. 

“Yo bro, you alive?” I asked as I kicked the limp foot that poked from beneath the stall. In response, we heard a moan, the foot was slowly retracted towards its owner and immediately was followed by dry heaving and weeping. Within seconds, the unfortunate soul had made yet another offering to his porcelain goddess.

A little more worried, I nervously asked, “Bro, do you want me to like, call someone? I can find an RA or something…”

“Bruh, if you’re gonna call someone, get me an Uber! My ass isn’t getting hit with the bill for a transport. I’m a warrior bruh,” slurred the afflicted man between sobs and gasps. 

Since I had places to be, I set up transport and tasked Ivan with watching over Barffalo Bill until the unknowing Uber driver arrived. When last I saw him, Ivan Ichianus was heroically tossing pieces of bread over the stall, telling its occupant it would soak up the alcohol and that help was on the way. Truly a man for and with others.

Categories: Eggplant

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