Mario Micallef ’22

Eggplant Editor

[A 2004 Panasonic corded desk phone rings]

[The ringing stops after the 3rd chimed loop] 

Randy (through the phone):Randy 

Bernice: Hi Randy, this is Bernice. 

Randy: Yeah, I know who it is. 

Bernice: I’m going to start the stew around five, do you think you’ll make it home in time? 

Randy (deeply inhales through his nose): Let’s think Bernice. I get out of work at five, how far do we live away from my work? 

Bernice: Randy, stop it. Just tell me if you are going to make it so that I know to keep the stove on or not because I’ve got to shave my feet again, they are getting so calloused. 

Randy: That’s right. Forty Fi- 

Bernice (cutting Randy off): You’ll have to rewarm it then. 

Randy: Forty Five minutes. 

[Bernice sneezes and then deeply clears her throat] 

Randy: I’ll pick up something on the way home. 

Bernice: The hell you will. I labored for hours over this stew. I could have been shaving my feet instead; you are going to eat it. 

Randy (finagling his cardigan on): Can you just let me put on my cardigan? I sit right under the ventilation and I need warmth; I got the cardigan on sale and there are no holes in it. 

Bernice: Invite your nephew over this weekend, he’s such a talented foot masseur. 

Randy: I bet he is, as am I; those that refrain from throwing away plastic forks after a single use (unlike yourself) are inherently better foot rubbers. 

Bernice: On your way in, take down the wreath. I have never spent Valentine’s Day staring at a wreath and I am not about to start tomorrow. 

[A short yet stark digitized beep sound tursley beeps] [A digitized woman’s voice cuts off the beep] 

Voicemail Woman (slightly condescending): If you’d like to make a longer message please hang up and dial again. Good-bye.