Charlie Krumsiek ‘20 and Patrick Wareham ‘20
Trout – Human, not Fish – Becomes Richest Athlete Ever
Mike Trout has signed the richest contract in professional sports history at a whopping $430 million over 12 years, likely making him an Angel for the rest of his playing days. In an effort to have more people recognize this generation’s best player, the Angels put a clause in the contract for him to carry around at least a quarter of his net worth in cash at all times. They hope that the 4-7 Brinks trucks following him everywhere he goes will help him become slightly more well known than NBA role players (such as Kenneth Faried) and daytime television actresses.
Holy Cross’ Club Soccer Captain Peplowski to Return For Senior Year
Winner of the 2018 Ballon d’Or, Holy Cross club soccer captain Michael Peplowski ‘20 recently announced that he intends to remain at Holy Cross for his senior year instead of pursuing a professional career in Europe. He is the first American as well as the first collegiate club athlete to win the coveted award. When asked why he planned to stay at Holy Cross, he simply replied, “As a history major, I’m super pumped for the seminars I’ll be able to participate in senior year. It’s going to be electric. As for soccer, I couldn’t let the boys down against Brandeis.”
San Diego is Too Nice, We Had to Punish Them With Machado
San Diego has never been this excited since a certain panda gave birth on live television back in the ‘70s and your favorite news anchor, Ron Burgundy, was there when you needed him most. What am I talking about, you may ask? Manny Machado’s 10-year, $300 million deal with the Padres of course. What will be more exciting, watching Machado stir up trouble as Major League Baseball’s number one instigator or the race for fourth place in the NL West? Also, wouldn’t it be weird if a Spanish soccer team was called “The Dads”?
Gronk Sails Into Sunset with 0.69% Touchdown/Game Career Ratio
Sorry, Pats Fans. Gronk is retiring. To the rest of the population, this should be cause for great excitement. Where will the former tight end star next? WWE? Hollywood? The next President of the College of the Holy Cross? I mean, at least Gronk would have insisted on limiting the latest tuition hike to just 0.69%. Nice. (Don’t think for a second that Gronk didn’t catch 79 touchdowns in 115 career games – a 0.69 ratio – on purpose.)
Jason Witten, You Seem Like a Nice Guy
Jason Witten will be un-retiring from football and leaving the broadcast booth. Tragically for the viewers of Monday Night Football, Witten will no longer be bringing the airwaves to life with his electric calls of the game. The perpetual audio highlight reel will be hanging up the microphone and lacing his cleats back up. Filling the cataclysmic void he left in the Cowboy’s throwing game, as without him, they improved from the 26th best passing team to the 23rd.
The Raiders Signed Vontaze Burfict: Because, Of Course
Vontaze Burfict was released and signed by the Oakland Raiders in an attempt to regain the passion of the Black Hole in their new arena. John Gruden continues to win offseason after offseason, as his plan to instill a better defensive attitude starts with introducing his innovative brass-knuckle gloves to his linebacking corps. Burfict’s history of high character plays on the field leaves him standing among the league’s classiest, including Ray Lewis, Bill Romanowski, Ndamukong Suh, and Aaron Hernandez.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.