Eggplant

If You Give a NARP a Gym

Jayquelin Cannonononon ’20

Almost Failed High School Gym

If you give a NARP a gym, she’s going to try to go on the treadmill.

When the treadmill doesn’t work, she’s going to ask for it to be fixed.

When you refuse to fix the treadmill, she’ll probably ask you for some weights.

When she’s realized there aren’t any, she’ll look for an exercise bike.

When she finally finds an open one, she’ll notice how crowded the gym is.

She’ll probably feel guilty and get off the bike after a few miles.

So she’ll probably want to walk up to Hart.

When she’s trudged up to Hart, she’ll wish she hadn’t pedaled so fast on the bike.

She’ll wait in the line to check in.

She might get carried away and dare to look at an D1 Varsity student-athlete.

She may even end up wishing she tried out for her high school volleyball team many moons ago so she too could gain access to a $95 million athletic facility!

When she’s checked in, she’ll probably want to use the weights.

She’ll have to be creative in how to use weights in such a cramped space.

She’ll crawl in, attempt to make herself comfortable, and do a few arm curls.

She’ll probably realize she forgot to fill her water bottle.

So she’ll put the weights down and head over to the water fountain.

When she returns, she’ll get angry that someone took her spot.

So instead she’ll want to use the yoga mats to stretch,

Which means she’ll need to clean it.

She’ll go to get sanitizer and realize the bottle is all out.

So she’ll decide to go back and stretch in Loyola.

On the way back down to Loyola, she’ll spot the old fieldhouse, which will remind her it won’t be finished before she’s graduated.

So…she’ll ask for a functioning treadmill in the meantime.

And chances are if a NARP asks you for a treadmill, she’s going to want an adequate gym to put it in.

This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.

Categories: Eggplant, Sports

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