Allyson Noeshghsadufydsiujksgfuhfkdskjcjdhsbvjfgickx ’19
USC Crew Team Captain
Oh Mylanta! Apparently Aunt Becky wasn’t the only one to stoop to bribery to gain college admittance for a relative. The Spire recently uncovered a paper trail that disclosed a questionable donation made to the College and undisclosed sums of money that were siphoned off to members of the administration. The trail led back to none other than Full House’s Joey Gladstone, whose nephew was conveniently admitted just this year despite a dismal academic record.
The Jesuit$ seemed to have turned a blind eye to morals once again, willingly accepting the donation––which is rumored to have rivaled that of the Koch Brothers––to partially fund their Ciocca Center for Business, “Ethics,” and Society.
John Stamos, “Uncle Jesse,” spoke out in defense of his longtime friend and co-star. “Havvvvve mercy,” said Stamos. Stephanie Tanner, however, condemned her fictional uncle’s illegal activity and the threat it poses to the integrity of the college admissions process. “Howwww rude,” said Tanner.
The uncharacteristically vocal Olsen sisters, who played Michelle Tanner on the ABC Family hit show, lashed out at Gladstone on Twitter, tweeting, “You’re in big trouble Mister!”
If you suspected Holy Cro$$ wasn’t done taking money from unethical sources, you got it dude! This is the second questionable source of income for the College just this year.
It is also rumored that “The Jo,” the recently unveiled colloquial nickname for the yet-to-be-built new fieldhouse, is in fact in honor of Uncle Joey and his “donation,” not Joanne Luth.
Looks like Mr. Woodchuck can’t talk his way out of this one. We at The Spire are tired of the College’s money-hungry tendencies and have one piece of advice for the administration: Cut. It. Out.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.