As the finale of this season’s “Ellen DeGeneres Show” nears, speculation over who will appear as the media giant’s final guest continues to grow, with rumors ranging from Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, to Oprah-grown Dr. Phil, all the way up the popularity charts to Jesus Christ Himself. As a Jesuit college, the College of the Holy Cross decided that this scoop was one worth following, so we talked to Father Boroughs and pulled a few strings with alumni in the media industry to figure out whether the real Jesus Christ would be appearing on reality television.
Lance Meyers, a production assistant from the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” confirmed that talks between representatives for the show and Jesus’ agent were underway.
“Who wouldn’t want to do the ‘Ellen DeGeneres show,’ right?” Meyers commented. “I mean, hello, it’s Ellen DeGeneres. Is anyone bigger than Ellen DeGeneres? No one but God, baby. So we’re booking His ass on the show.”
“Besides, the Catholic Church could use some good press right now,” Meyers added. Meyers declined to respond to a question asking exactly why the Catholic Church would currently need good press, especially in light of the 2016 presidential election and the shout-outs it has received from a certain spray-tanned candidate.
According to Meyers, one lucky audience member will find a special key under his or her seat. While Oprah fans may recall a famous 2004 giveaway in which each member of the audience was presented with a new car, this time around we’ll let Ellen finally outdo the Queen of Giving. A single key-holder will receive guaranteed entrance to The Kingdom of Heaven. “It’s Ellen’s most awesome giveaway yet!” an excitable Meyers said.
While Jesus’ appearance on the program has yet to be confirmed by either side, rumors also have swirled that The Jesus Episode would include a visit from Carson Kressley, formerly of “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy,” who, it has been speculated, is being brought on the show to give Jesus a makeover.
“Well, I can’t say exactly what it’s going to entail,” said Kressley, “but, if it were to happen, I would expect to see a really modern haircut and maybe some highlights. Definitely a shave or, at the very least, a trim of the beard, you know, something to really accentuate those cheekbones of his. Jesus has GREAT cheekbones. However, if he doesn’t want an undercut, I’m thinking a man bun or some ombre tips, like Jared Leto pre-joker.”
“As for his clothes, ANYTHING will be an improvement over those boring robes, right?” Kressley added. “Jesus has such amazing abs and delts. A well-tailored white t-shirt would be a godsend.”
Kressley hinted that there will definitely be some “fabulous footwear,” noting that Jesus should be rather impressed with just how far society has come in terms of comfort and style in footwear since His time.
“Everyone’s tired of seeing Jesus in his Birkenstocks. He’s done it to death,” Kressley said. “It’s really time to modernize His look. A pair of Nikes will make it a lot easier to walk through the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. Also, maybe Ellen will give him a Yeti cooler if he decides to do that again. But that’s just my opinion.”
Calls to Jesus’s agent, the Archangel Michael, were not returned. This may be because angels don’t have phones or converse with humans who are not biblical prophets and The Crusader does not technically qualify as a prophetic text.