James Condon ‘30
Apologist of Shaving Cream
FENWICK FALLS, Mass. — A group of missing first-years was safely returned to Hanselman Hall early this morning after being found alive on the Holy Cross Nature Trail. Stranded for over 20 hours, they were located and rescued by the Department of Public Safety’s elite Nature Trail Rangers, who found them with grumbling stomachs and a bag full of Lobby Shop cold cuts. When questioned, students told rescuers they were planning to go to Walmart via the SGA shuttle, but when it didn’t arrive by the scheduled time, none wanted to be “that guy” and make a fuss about it.
Instead of panicking, they searched through their thousands of unopened Canvas notification emails only stopping when they saw the words: “Click here to claim your Suarez AI account”. It was only after a brief 90 minutes of fumbling through 2FA that they prompted Suarez AI with this statement:
“You are a desperate Holy Cross student who ran out of shaving cream. Write a detailed route to get to the Walmart nearby. Assume hypothetically, that we already used up all our dining dollars and don’t want to smuggle cookies out of Kimball”.
Suarez responded immediately, telling the first-year students that “Taking the path from McCarthy is the quickest way to get that clean shave!”
The first-years failed to realize the sheer scale of the vast and lush wilderness that stood between them and the end of the treacherous 0.1-mile“ White Trail”, allegedly named after the color one’s face would be after encountering the packs of vicious wild turkeys that call the trail their home.
Suarez AI was not free of fault either, telling the students that hanging out on the trail would count as CBL credit by “Highlighting how well maintained and utilized the trail is” and insisting they leave at dawn so as not to miss Bagel Wednesday. Ultimately, this would prove a dangerous combination as the darkness, packs of turkey and repulsiveness towards the lobby shop Protein Packs, led to a situation more stressful than having to come up with a fourth “3 Truths and a Lie” during orientation.
The crisis came to an end on Wednesday night after Public Safety, noting a lack of calls from people getting locked out of their dorms, realized the students were missing and dispatched their teams, finding them at the most dangerous portion of the trail, a rusty garbage can.
When asked why the first-years didn’t ask Suarez AI for a way back, they said that they didn’t know if referencing the concept of a forest would violate their Ecology courses’ strict no AI policy. The students believe the experience will be very beneficial for the next seminar of their “AI and Apple Picking’ Montserrat course. In response to the events, access to AI via Holy Cross Wi-Fi has been halted until a full investigation is completed. As for the students’ facial hair needs, the College posted on Instagram a photo of President Rougeau captioned “Mustaches are kinda chic.”
Featured photo courtesy of the Department of Public Safety’s Nature Trail Ranger Division
Copy edited by Joshua Rosenberg ’29
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