Finn Ryan ‘29
Dark Acolyte
Donald Trump announced this weekend that the United States will be immediately ceasing all military action toward Iran effective Monday morning. This shocking turn of events comes just hours after Trump’s meeting with the Warlock of the Dreaded North Forest, whose real name is unpronounceable to mortals and will melt the brain of any who try. The Warlock, Trump explained, warned that America would face “an onslaught of the undead” and “a dragon attack the likes of which the realm has never seen before” if it did not immediately end its attacks on Iranian soil or around the Strait of Hormuz.
Trump reportedly hesitated to take the threats seriously until the Warlock ignited a green flame with a pound of his staff, causing hordes of skeleton warriors to dig their way out of the ground while brandishing swords and great wooden shields. Trump’s troubles didn’t end there, however. After the meeting had adjourned, sources claim the presidential motorcade had some difficulty leaving the Dreaded North Forest on account of the massive sentient trees attempting to crush them with their branches as they drove. Fortunately, the President was able to answer the goblin’s riddles three to safely pass over the rickety wooden bridge spanning the vast foggy chasm that marks the end of the Forest.
Several outlets are reporting that President Xi will be meeting with the Warlock next month to discuss trade policy regarding the Sea-Beard King of the Unforgiving Depths, which, if true, could pose a major threat to US hegemony in the region.
Image courtesy of Dreamstime
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