Kathryn Pellicotte ‘29
Ignite Developer
The new printing system has received a lot of feedback, and it hasn’t all been positive. In fact, it’s been negative, nasty, awful, vile, and I guess, in a word, because I’m running out of synonyms, bad. Hundreds of thousands of students have sent in complaints to the Eggplant, and unfortunately we only have space to record one of those responses. This particular man, named P. Archment, came forward with a recent, yet tragic anecdote on his experience with the new printing system.
“One hundred and seventy-two pages of reading were assigned for my history class in an hour, and I was frantic. I thought I had the printing system all figured out, only to find that I had to restart my Adobe, download three more apps, and then top it off by making a continuous clicking sound with my mouth so that the printer would feel more inclined to listen. I glanced at my phone, and it was already, like, thirty minutes past the time I got the printer. Like, crap! And now that “How to Print” paper is telling me to go to the Ignite page? What the hell is Ignite? By the way, I was really excited about these new printers at first. They looked freaking majestic with those little gadgety screens and ID monitors, but right now they felt like one of those lipstick-on-a-pig moments. We’ve been jipped, betrayed, snookered, swindled, and yeah, I can’t really think of any more synonyms…oh wait, hookwinked!”
The Eggplant is exceedingly grateful for this contribution and extends its deepest sympathies to all who have fallen prey to the complexities of the new printing system. Yesterday, we received the unfortunate word that our courageous young fellow who so zealously stood up for change was felled much like Julian Glover in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Witnesses claim he had his face pressed against one of those little ID-sensing screens in a most grotesque manner, and then apparently, he immediately began to age like crazy until he was nothing but a pile of dust. I guess this is a lesson that not all fancy printers are holy grails. What’s really too bad is that he forgot to CC his class dean on his “I’m sick and have to miss class email” because he was a pile of dust. Now his participation grade is in the dumps. There goes that GPA!
Image courtesy of iStock.
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