Patrick Ryan ’27
Aspiring Waterboy
WORCESTER, MA — In a press conference following last Saturday’s game against Lafayette, Holy Cross Football head coach Dan Curran assuaged ’Sader fans by assuring them that the team would stop at nothing to win zero more games. “I know a lot of you are happy that we beat Lafayette today—some of you may now even be excited for the rest of the season. Well, I’m here to promise you that we will do everything in our power to make sure you never feel that glimmer of hope again,” Curran declared authoritatively, pointing his finger in an accusatory manner at an audience who foolishly dared to smile for the first time after four weeks of absolute misery. Curran went on to reassure the audience that he wouldn’t just spike the ball every play to purposely lose games, but would take every necessary measure to ensure that the Crusaders ended the season 1-11, even if it meant kneecapping his best players or spiking the team Gatorade with MiraLax. “If the game is tied, and we’re about to kick a game-winning field goal, you can bet your ass I’m sprinting out on the field to block that mfer,” Curran said passionately, running in place to demonstrate the impressive speed that he would bolt onto the field with. “In fact, we’re going to make some changes right now. If you’re currently a kicker, you’re now a defensive lineman. If you’re an offensive lineman, I want you in at wide receiver. What’s that kid’s name with the broken arm? Fitzgerald? Yeah, get him in at quarterback; we just can’t take the risk of winning again.” Curran’s promise to ’Sader Nation will be tested when Holy Cross Football later plays Georgetown, who have won zero games thus far this season. “Are we really gonna let those Hoyas beat us?” questioned Curran. “You’re damn right we are! We’ll show them who the worst team in the Patriot League really is!
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