Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28
make some noooooiiiiiise
I have to be honest: I was planning to write something absurd about the Flo Rida concert like Rougeau crowd surfing or a girl really disappointed that the concert wasn’t just pictures of the state of Florida. But whatever happened Friday night/Saturday morning was better than anything I or my “colleagues” could’ve come up with. Our whole “fake news” thing doesn’t work if our articles actually happen. So while everyone else watched Alpine take the stage a second time, I watched my article “No Show Flo: Fall Concert Just Alpine” slip away. I considered writing a piece on Mr Rida waiting until midnight to perform out of respect for the 25th anniversary of 9/11, but I’m worried it might actually be true. And I’ll be damned if my writing ends up in News, or God forbid, Features. Fine, I won’t write about the five hours between when doors were set to open and when the headliner actually showed up. I won’t even joke about spinning “Right Round” back to my dorm when I heard Flo Rida was still on the plane. So what does that leave me to write? Someone from OSI dressing as Flo from Progressive? Flo Rida getting incredibly confused by the name Holy Cross and giving a sermon on abstinence instead of performing “Low?” The real Rida being the Flo we made along the way? Clearly, Mr Flo has no respect for the Eggplant’s hardworking and hilarious satirists. Or me. Seriously, there are only so many times we can make fun of Kimball before one of us gets banished to the dishroom. How can I joke about a fall concert that was already so weird? Well I refuse to be silenced by a world stranger than fiction. So here’s a list of articles that could only ever be fake news.
- Holy Cross Lowers Tuition
- Cool Beans Coffee Perfect Every Day
- Mail Room Efficient
- Shower Curtains Not Moldy
- Poli Sci Major Doesn’t Constantly Bring Up Being A Poli Sci Major
- Study Abroad Returnee Normal About It
- Homework Finished Before Sunday Night
- Holy Cross Football Wins (If only… Go Cross go!)
Copy edited by Molly Croft ‘29
Featured image courtesy of Spotify
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