The Spire

Caitlin Wiffler ’27

Donut Expert

With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, many businesses are trying their hardest to cater to the Irish population and the select few who like mint-flavored desserts. Dunkin’, Boston Irish-Americans’ place of worship, decided to one-up McDonald’s Shamrock Shake with their own holiday treat: an Irish donut. Filled with green goo and smothered in frosting, this Irish donut was ready to hit the town. Dunkin’ made an announcement, hollering all 16 to 34-year-old TikTok influencers to try to sell their “Jiggin’ Jelly Donut.” Most of these influencers got an average of 61 likes, but that was enough to alert the Mass. masses. 

Holy Cross students marched their way down to the local Dunkin’ to try the “Kiss Me I’m a Donut” donut. One student in particular, Michaela, was more than disappointed in the “Shamrock Slainte Stuffed Donut.” 

“I walk into the store, and I’m like, ‘One Green Galore Goop Donut’ please! The workers are always more than friendly. I love my local Dunkin’, but this donut I got was not right. It tasted bad. Like, really, really bad,” she explained.

With the uproar caused by McDonald’s CEO oddly consuming a burger, Dunkin’ was pressed to try their products. After weeks of persistent begging, Dunkin’ released a statement regarding their inability to eat an Irish donut. Then, everyone was like, “You don’t have to eat the Irish one! We’re not asking for that! Try a chocolate one! We just want to see that you’re not a robot CEO!”

Dunkin’ gave no response. 

More Michaelas were grossed out by the Leprechaun Donuts. 

What happened was this: Dunkin’ bit off more donuts than they could chew. There was no green goo. There was not enough green dye in the world to make these donuts. Shamrock Shakes took it all. Dunkin’ couldn’t back out of their marketing scheme with St. Patrick’s Day only days away, so they came up with a plan. They were selling old Valentine’s Day Brownie Batter donuts. They left them out in the sun and waited until they turned green. When questioned, Dunkin’ CEO said, “The nutritional value of a brownie batter donut compared to a moldy donut is equal. This was our only solution.” 

When further pressed, Dunkin’ CEO elaborated, “Well, this was really our only plan because it was our first plan. Fred suggested it. We were all in a meeting, and Fred was like, ‘What if we just did ‘em moldy?’ and we all said, ‘That works.’”

Featured image courtesy of Tripadvisor