The Spire

Charlotte MacQuattie ‘28

Dead man undefeated champion

Making my usual pilgrimage to Cool Beans last Thursday for my $7 latte, I went the way I always do. Out of Lehy, into Healy, up the elevator, onto the roof, scale down the side of Healy, roll in the grass, over the river, through the woods, to grandmother’s house I went. But stepping onto the Hoval, I was not met with the familiar dead grass and squishy mud. Rather, I set foot on a bouncy trampoline, complete with the HC logo sloppily painted in the center. Hopping my way to Hogan, I passed several physics majors on their 30 minutes of permitted outside time for the week, calculating the velocity of their textbooks as they chucked them at the trampoline and yelled “FREEDOM!.” They were quickly tackled by their handlers and carted back to the depths of Haberlin for PHYS 167: Prove the Big Bang or You’re Not Allowed to Graduate. 

Rather than playing frisbee or throwing a football, one group of students was in the midst of a game of Mikeball; it’s just like Spikeball but instead of a ball you smack around your smallest friend named Mike. Michael “Little Mike” O’Callahan is current reigning champion, but underdog Michael “Crazy Mike” Wazowski is expected to overtake his record of 3 concussions in the coming weeks. Passersby looked on in horror as Michael “Stupid Mike” Jersey was double bounced by competitors Michael “Scary Mike” Corleone and Michael “Weird Mike” Afton, launching him into the stratosphere, never to be seen again. Calculate the velocity of that, physics majors.

Approaching the doors to Hogan, I was greeted by a table of SGA reps proud to show off the new trampoline. “People like to say that SGA doesn’t do anything, so we decided to give the people what they really want. No, not actually meaningful changes, a new fun way to break your foot!” said SGA executive associate junior co-chair Vivian Rougeau (no relation). Once I reached Cool Beans and secured my coffee, I asked around about the Troval. Sophomore Kimmy Cal told me, “My chem professor said we were going to do our lab on the Hoval but I’m a little worried. No, not about the chemicals bouncing around, the static electricity is gonna wreck my hair and I just straightened it. Anyways, I’d love to stay and chat but I gotta bounce. Haha, get it? Bounce? Bounce? Cuz it’s a trampoline?” I told Kimmy to watch it with the jokes. You think you can be corny? I was born in the maize.

Later, as I was waiting for my DoorDasher to arrive because I refuse to eat the “fish” at Kimball, I came across yet another interesting use of our tuition money. The Office of Student Involvement had set up a purple bouncy castle in the parking lot. “That SGA thinks they can outdo us? We’ll show them,” said OSI director Victor Rougeau (no relation). “The Holy Castle is a huge success; only three freshmen have been hit by speeding Jeeps and one by that red Porsche.” Personally, I trust the Troval far more than the Holy Castle. Sure, the Holy Skunk, fat squirrels, and Brooks mice take over at 2pm sharp every day to play dead man, but my quads have never looked better. Go Cross go!

Featured image courtesy of Øyvind Holmstad of the Wikimedia Commons

Copy Edited by Sophia Olbrysh ’28