Patrick Ryan ’27 & Caitlin Wiffler ’27
You Should Know Who We Are
Hello Crusaders! We hope that everyone is having a great start to their semester. While everyone reading this (the few, the proud) is on campus, we are not. In a shocking turn of events, the two most loyal writers of the fearless Eggplant section of The Spire tragically left their posts to pursue bigger and better things. We are living it up in the magical lands of Ireland and the…not as magical…land of Washington D.C. However, just as Patrick was about to sign off on the Declaration of Independence II, the second Declaration of Independence (not the first Declaration of Independence), and as Caitlin was about to marry a Leprechaun, the pair both noticed a strange symbol illuminated in the night sky. Cast upon the dark clouds was a purple oblong shape with a slight curve… It wasn’t a gourd. It certainly wasn’t a zucchini. No, it was the Solanum melongena. The glorious eggplant. Yeah, that girl PeePee or whatever her name is, had activated the signal. Yes, Popeye Gaga needed us to help her out…AGAIN!
So, being the charitable heroes that we are, we decided to take a break from our busy schedules (cookie time) and help out….Piper! That was her name. So, I guess we’ll update everyone on what’s going down on the Hill. On one condition: this article must be the cover slide on the Instagram.
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Hmm, this may be more difficult than we anticipated. You see, we are not on campus. We have no idea what’s going on over there. Caitlin’s five hours ahead, so she really doesn’t care about a silly little town in Massachusetts, and Patrick is too busy fighting off the National Guard to check his phone. Ugh. Fine, I guess we can come up with something. For Pippy Heiny.
Class of 2029 Move-In
In a poor attempt at replacing us, Holy Cross decided to add students. There are now different people there. Ones that we don’t know. Are they nice? Are they rude? Are they secretly aliens sent from Venus to assimilate amongst us and eventually destroy Earth? Was one of them hired as a janitor but then they solve the hardest math problem on a chalkboard and are suddenly forced with the pressures of their challenging past and their promising future? We don’t know! But, we do know that they should write for The Eggplant. (They should also join a club that rhymes with Shmentropy).
Kimball
Yum! Missing this. Cooking for yourself is, like, not fun sometimes. Do not take those baked s’mores for granted.
Tornado Warning
Wait a second…for all we know, campus was completely wiped off the map by that ginormous twister that came through! Whoa… we’re not in Worcester anymore, Toto. (Caitlin’s note: Patrick wrote that last sentence without my consent). Wait, let’s get back to this tornado. You mean to tell me we wrote this whole article for whom? An ant? Was this article written for ants? Well, ants, we hope you learned something.
Featured image courtesy of Worcester Business Journal
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
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