Ian Sykes ‘28
His algorithm only shows him JD Vance edits now
Over Easter Break, a daring Holy Cross student made the decision to practice some self-care and scroll Instagram for 20 hours every day, rather than his normal 15. The Spire, very impressed by his decision, reached out for an interview.
“I realized I wasn’t watching enough car crash videos, and that had to change,” the student said. “I got real burnt out this semester from putting all of those prompts for my homework into Deepseek, so I decided to take some quality time for myself and Meta.”
Meta, the company that owns Instagram, was also happy to learn of this student’s remarkable achievement. “We here at Meta understand the importance of self-care, and we congratulate this young man for not only caring for himself, but also for our beloved shareholders by watching around 3,000 ads a day.”
When asked what his secret behind such a feat was, the student told The Spire that “all you need to do is block your stupid parents who keep texting you to ‘please come out of your room’ because it ‘smells like a small animal died in your vents three weeks ago.’ Like I said, I’m a big eater. I’d never let an animal stay there for so long.” After saying this, the student keeled over from Brainrot and food poisoning, after which he was airlifted to the hospital.
Following his trip, the student was diagnosed with Terminal Brainrot, Stage LXIX. “You only have a few more moments to live,” said the accompanying doctor to the student, after which he pulled out his phone and scrolled Reels for one more time. With his life quickly being extinguished from his eyes, the student dropped his phone, growing too feeble to hold it. On the edge of his life, the student shed a tear knowing it’d be the last he’d ever see of JD Vance edits. Succumbing to Brainrot and grasping for his last breath, the student’s final words to The Spire before he died were: “Mom was right. It was that damn phone.”
Featured image courtesy of The Today Show
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