Emma Hatem ’27 & Tyler Brackett ‘27
Has anyone checked on the Holy Skunk?
Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations are a beloved tradition at Holy Cross, however, the Environmental Studies Department at the college has declared a state of emergency due to the abnormal amount of Lucky Charms littered by students causing total destruction to the campus ecosystem. Tentative reports indicate that 1,000,000,000 tons of Lucky Charms have been thrown to the ground in the midst of St. Patrick’s Day Festivities. While scientists are unsure of the long term impact of this substance on local fauna, early reports show that campus wildlife have deviated from normal behavioral patterns.
First-hand accounts have shown that several squirrels are becoming aggressive, unsteady, and slurring their squeaks. This unprecedented behavior may indicate an addiction to the soft, sweet allure of a Lucky Charms marshmallow. Squirrels around campus are rejecting other foods, and only seeking out Lucky Charms. In some cases, squirrels have become confrontational toward people carrying Lucky Charms. Multiple witnesses state that they have been victims of cereal-motivated squirrel aggression. This addiction explains the change in behavior, however it does not explain another St. Patty’s Day phenomenon. Several reports have illustrated a connection between the holiday and squirrels turning a greenish color. It is not yet known whether this is reversible, but as of now, about 75% of the squirrels on campus are green. Ecologists warn that the green color of a squirrel’s fur could lead to them being more visible to predators.
In order to protect our precious squirrel population, the Department of Environmental Studies urges students to safely dispose of their Lucky Charms, and remove cereal residue from the ground. It has become clear that Lucky Charms are not safe for squirrel consumption, and thus squirrels should be kept away from St. Patrick’s Day festivities. We understand that students wish to include our furry friends in the fun of St. Patrick’s Day, but next time, think of the biosphere!
Featured image courtesy of The Guardian
Copy Edited by Lilly Baumfeld ‘27
Web Edited by Zexuan Qu ’28
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