Piper Guiney ‘28
It wasn’t even a good flavored Gummy Bear
The day started like any other. I arose from my slumber at the crack of 11:30 am to my roommate aggressively sighing and rolling her eyes at me. “Good morning sunshine!” I exclaimed, “Good morning, pile of laundry I have to do! Good morning, 13 missing assignments! Ahhh, smell that beautiful Brooks Hall must! Today is going to be a good day” Or so I thought…
As I opened my phone to do my daily news reading (watching vaguely political TikToks) I noticed a rather concerning email. “URGENT: DINING DOLLARS BALANCE SUB $30,000” it read. This had to be a mistake, for I am proudly a Kimball warrior and seldom spend more than 20 dining dollars a month. Then, it hit me. I had lost my ID card a few days prior. Some devious monster must have stolen my Holy Cross identity. I was distraught. I immediately ran to the lobby shop and just as soon as I caught my breath, I walked in. You will never guess what. Empty. Completely and entirely empty. He took the store’s feast, he took the store’s pudding, he even took the roast beast. I couldn’t help but feel ashamed as people might think it was me who had stolen their scrumptious snacks. What else could they use this for? This question was very quickly answered when I logged into my email. This person had sent an email to each and every one of my professors letting them know I think their breath smells bad! Listen, even if that is true (professors, if you are reading this, it’s not. Please grade my paper.) I would never say that… to their face. I ran to track this thief down. It wasn’t hard, I just followed the trail of KitKat wrappers from Hogan and up to the Prior. There, huddled in the corner looking like Gollum was the man. “Who are you and why have you stolen my identity?” I pleaded. “My name is Batt Freezy and I was hungry,” he responded. “Want a Gummy Bear?” I paused. Part of me wanted to beat him up for everything but the stomach part of me agreed with him. “You know what man, I sure do want a Gummy Bear” The End!
PSA: Identity theft is not a joke, reader. Millions of families suffer every year.
Featured image courtesy of CNET
Web Edited by Zexuan Qu ’28
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