The Spire

Alexandra Berardelli ‘25

Chief Opinions Editor

“There is always some madness in love. But, there is also always some reason in madness.” In a letter that never left my desk, the words of Friedrich Nietzsche stare at me. Nietzsche suggests that love is an intense emotion that often reflects irrationality and madness, yet there may be some logical meaning within its paralyzing force. I agree.

We all aspire to love and to be loved: it’s a part of human nature. Further, being irrational is not inherently bad. Going back to the pre-Socratics, philosophers believed that the human soul possessed two competing yet complementary forces: rationality and irrationality. It is our job to rein in both sides to be functioning members of society. (See Plato’s Phaedrus for his visualization of the soul as a two-winged chariot guided by a charioteer). 

Intense emotions have the potential to “blind” us, driving us towards irrational behavior, so much so that someone possessed by love is unable to understand those around them despite good intentions. I came across an article on US News, “Ready for a Romantic Relationship? Your Friends’ Opinions Matter.” HealthDay Reporter Ernie Mundell presents a recent study by Michigan State University that covers the phenomena of commitment readiness and attachment orientations, primarily from the perceptions of close friends. I read the full study by Yang et al. entitled, “Ready (for love) or not? Self and other perceptions of commitment readiness and associations with attachment orientations.” For the purposes of my argument, it is most important to highlight the three clever roles that friends have in the success of their friends’ romantic relationships: valuing relationships, setting people up, and being practical contributors.

Let me be clear: I am speaking as the friend who offers opinions and contributions in their friends’ relationships. If you’ve ever been surrounded by someone pursuing a romantic relationship, you might understand the excitement around fresh, young love. Perhaps you have had conversations with friends full of advice concerning the other person’s character or how a romantic relationship might manifest itself.

Love, perhaps, especially in the early stages, has the potential to completely affect how we listen to our friends’ advice, even if our closest friends have the purest of intentions. Yang et al. note that “friends might be better positioned to judge a person’s readiness than the person pursuing a romantic relationship.” This is true. Friendships are usually characterized by deep emotional connections, aiming toward the reciprocal betterment of all people involved. When you foster such an intimate relationship, you understand your friends’ character – or at least a decent part – enough to know what is good for them (and what is not).

Instead of listening to one’s friends, it’s not unusual for someone possessed by love to dismiss the opinions of their friends. Again, no one wants to be rational when in love – it’s no fun. But, know friends tend to understand how those around them deal with attachment and anxiety in relationships because they have taken the time and energy to foster their own platonic relationships with these same people. At the end of the day, a romantic relationship is on the same foundation as a platonic one. Thus, it is completely in a friend’s prerogative to make explicit judgments about their friend’s readiness to pursue a romantic relationship. 

Although many of these lovers perceive the importance of friends’ input in their budding relationships, hearing their advice is not the same as listening to it. This concept of madness in love involves a bit more “hearing” rather than genuine “listening.” Again, it goes back to the idea that the passion of love exposes our irrational side. Remember, you can hear something and not listen at all. 

More often than not, friends will have their best interests at heart when evaluating their friends’ relationships. Certainly, you have been on both sides of this situation. So, don’t let your friends down and disrespect the energy they put into making an informed decision. Please listen to your friends’ opinions. They matter.

Featured image courtesy of The Guardian

Web Edited by Zexuan Qu ’28