Patrick Ryan ’27
Red Herring Investigator
Judging by the vast swarms of high school students meandering about Mt. Saint James, it can safely be assumed that Open House season is upon us once again. Luckily, Holy Cross is equipped with an elite team of highly trained individuals who are more than prepared to shepherd these herds of prospective students around campus- namely, our tour guides. While these select few have the privilege of boasting about the College’s highlights, they are also responsible for defending its vulnerabilities. Fortunately, our noble tour guides are no strangers to the “three Ds:” deflecting, dodging, and distracting.
For example, take Clarice Starling, a sophomore tour guide who has had her fair share of “spinning” the conversation. “It’s almost like a second nature at this point,” Clarice explains. “Just last week I had a person start to ask how accessible Worcester is from the College. Without missing a beat, I started to lecture about the wide range of study-abroad opportunities the College offers. Of course, people don’t back down every time. Some people are really determined to have their compromising questions answered! So, you have to get creative sometimes. Once I resorted to pretending to be a mime when someone started probing me about the strength of the wifi on campus. Another time, this Dad started to question me about exactly how much he would be paying for his son to go here, so I had to act like our connection was breaking up because I was going through a tunnel. You gotta do what you gotta do.”
However, these inconveniences become mere child’s play when compared to the closing time of Kimball, a topic so taboo among Holy Cross tour guides that it is simply referred to as “the-thing that-should-not-be-named.” Mark Knopfler, a seasoned senior tour guide, recognizes that extreme measures are sometimes necessary to avoid this sensitive topic. “I was in dire straits during one tour a few weeks ago,” Mark recalls. “One of the students must have had an older sibling go here because they immediately began pressing me when we got to Kimball. ‘Doesn’t this place close super early?’ one of the kids had asked. Of course, I quickly tried to pivot to the intricacies of the Montserrat Program, but this kid wouldn’t let me off the hook. A murmur began among the crowd and I began to sweat- follow-up questions from the other families dreadfully ensued. I was completely backed into a corner! I had to employ the nuclear option, there was no other choice. ‘LOOK!’ I screamed, pointing up at the sky. ‘BY GOD, IS THAT A FLYING SAUCER?’ Thankfully, everyone’s heads jerked upward. When their gaze had returned down, however, I had disappeared, slipping into a nearby bush. That time was too close for comfort.” Thank you for your service tour guides, and keep doing the Lord’s work.
Featured image courtesy of College of the Holy Cross
Copy Edited by Lauren Backstrom ’27
Web Edited by Zexuan Qu ’28
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