Piper Guiney ’28
The Surgeon General Approves This Message
Welcome to the Hill, Holy Cross families! Before everyone swarms to Fitton Field for an amazing tailgate, I want to remind everyone to be sure to try some delicious Holy Cross Hazy IPA. This magnificent beer contains notes of Mount St. James runoff and is very hop forward (you know, I’ve heard they’ve recently decided to add more hops to it). It boasts a tasteful 6 percent ABV and is perfect for inexperienced, underage drinkers to learn their limits. This IPA has been appropriately dubbed “Dad Juice” as Vineyard Vines-wearing dads have been fighting to get their white-collar paws on a can. We are sure it will fuel all the dads at this weekend’s game against Yale and hopefully leave all the moms inebriated enough to forget how truly boring football is. The minimalistic can design cloaked in a gorgeous purple hue reminds us all to “party till we’re purple” – Spongebob Squarepants. In the true spirit of Holy Cross, we have decided to grossly overprice the beverage although we promise it is well worth it!
Furthermore, we would like to address the accusations surrounding this IPA. No, this beer is not made up of the concoction of discarded liquids underneath the conveyor belt at Kimball. We get the golden pee color from other undisclosed sources. It’s definitely not real pee. Why would you even think that? Don’t tell people that. Also, we at Harpoon Brewery do not (wink), and I repeat, DO NOT (double wink) condone underage drinking. With this IPAs purple pride and easy access appeal, rest assured that this is definitely not a beer best designed for students ages 17-20. Moreover, I want to affirm that this beer was not created in a top secret partnership with UMass Memorial Medical Center in order to cause more transports and ambulance bills to be sent to families.
Ultimately, we hope everyone is able to try some Holy Cross Hazy IPA and has a magnificent weekend. Go Cross and remember to have fun and please drink irresponsibly!
Featured image courtesy of Holy Cross Athletics
Copy Edited by Lily Wasmund ’28
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