Patrick Ryan ’27
Eggplant Editor
Glory to the U.S. Federal Government
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
Welcome back to campus! The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the school is embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit. While students were focused on internships and jobs over the summer, the College has been sparring with a wealthy alumnus. The case is simple. Sort of. Cornelius Prior, a graduate of the class of ’56, is suing the school for the lack of transparency and misuse of the $25 million donation he made for the construction of the Performing Arts Center. Prior claims that the College coerced him into making additional donations and refused to provide a clear timeline for construction or a separate account for his donations. The College has vehemently denied these allegations, instead contesting that Prior was well aware of the conditions throughout the process. Prior’s lawsuit was originally filed in the U.S. District Court for the District of Massachusetts. However, through legal loopholes too cumbersome to explain in a 400-word article, the case has risen all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.
Why exactly writ of certiorari (a legal order that a higher court issues to a lower court to review a case’s record, for you non-nerds out there) was granted has been confusing to many. Doesn’t the highest court in all of the land have more important things to be focusing on? Abortion? Campaign finance? Was Cobb really awake at the end of Inception, or was he still trapped in dreamland? Man, that movie messed with my head. Regardless of whatever the reason may be (Clarence Thomas totally called dibs), this seemingly insignificant squabble over the minutiae of a contract has reached the institution with perhaps the least amount of oversight in all of the free world. Whatever their decision is, I am confident that this honored court will thoughtfully and extensively deliberate over- they overturned the First Amendment? They overturned the FIRST AMENDMENT? HOW DID THEY-
Salutations comrades, and glory to the United States Federal Government! Recently, the people’s blessed Supreme Court finally vanquished the pesky First Amendment that had been the root of so much turmoil and strife throughout our great nation’s past. This wonderful decision followed the removal of several “civil liberties” that had gotten in the way of our citizens’ true freedom. With the First Amendment gone, our paramount leader will finally be able to spread the virtues of the United States to every corner of the globe. May God bless the United States of America, and may God bless our infallible Supreme Court!
Note: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was reached for a comment, but he was occupied on a yacht cruise of the Mediterranean.
Copy Edited by Lilly Baumfeld ’27
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