Bryce Maloney ’26
Staff Writer
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
In a shocking turn of events, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, President of the Russian Federation, won the country’s presidential contest. Edging out the competition with just 87% of the vote, the newly reelected President was emboldened by this win in one of history’s greatest and least disputed contests. Putin vowed to use his newly given electoral mandate to expand conservation rights to all parks which allow shirtless horseback riding, an increase on taxes on the import of American movies and T.V., and to begin plans for an invasion of nearby Mongolia over fears that wild nomadic bands still loyal to the late Genghis Khan (1162-1227) were prompted to commit a coup d’etat in the country. Putin’s win in this hotly contested election shows that above all else, democracy has finally prevailed in Russia. After years of conflict, social strife, economic upheaval, communism, and empire, Russia has come home to the warm embrace of democracy in the form of one of its most powerful assets: President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. If such an astounding victory were to prove nothing else, it shows that Russia has regained its seat at the table amongst the dignified nations of the world and that those who seek to silence the voice of that democracy will be surely rebuked. Local troublemaker Alexey Navalny is an example of the power of such a mandate. A proactive advocate of anti-Putinism, Navalny was the perpetrator of a number of shenanigans and other forms of tom-foolery which sought to expose a series of moral hijinks in Putin’s inner circle. The quietness of Navalny and his ‘friends’ can only be interpreted as their realization that Putin’s grasp on Russian democracy cannot be diminished nor questioned in any way– especially in the light of his recent victory. In all, the recent results of these elections show a unique call for change: The Russian people want a leader who respects institutions and democracy and isn’t afraid to invade Ukraine to do so.
Copy Edited by Sophia Mariani ’26
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