Shanil Perez ‘24
Professional escape artist.
Press your ear to the door, if there are no sounds – the coast is clear. Slip out of your room, be vewy vewy quiet (expert consulted: looney tunes). Do not look both ways at the hallway, we’re trying to be quick here. There’s going to be someone coming from the door at the opposite end, run. It’s okay to pretend like they aren’t there.
Breathe. Walk to your class. Blend in. How? Attach yourself to the trees. I hope you wore appropriate clothing for this FYI. There’s going to be people walking by. Face the trees and crab walk really slowly. You’re invisible. Manifest it.
Walk in, set your things down, and seek shelter. So what if you spend 5-10 minutes in the bathroom? Calm down, it was a necessary evil. You skip the… preliminary…compulsions at the beginning of class. The same question. Some people slept, some people were busy, and someone backpacked across Mount Everest.
…
It’s the end of class, keep your head down as you finish packing up. Out of the corner of your eye you see someone starting to come towards you. Run. You’re busy. Yes, you’re busy. It’s okay to leave them hanging, they will find someone else to ask. Someone else to talk to about their family scuba diving in Turkey. Or Greece, or Italy? Careful with the stairs.
…
Now it’s time to talk to your professor during office hours. No problem. You planned it: Lead the conversation – you came to talk about your paper and your paper only, – interrupt them at every slight deviation, and most importantly, don’t leave any moments of silence.
You get to the professor’s hallway. But, their door is wide open and for some reason they are standing in front of it talking to another professor. Assess the situation. You are in the middle of the hallway. There’s only the three of you in the hallway. Situations like this are necessary. No matter how much you plan it, there’s something unaccounted for.
You hear it…”How was your break?” Cringe. Back down. Just walk away.
You don’t get it really. Don’t try to understand why. By the third time being asked people add a little bit of information. By the fourth they take away some information. But it’s all the same, practiced response.
It’s October now, eventually, they’ll stop. Eventually. You better hope. Your crab walk could use some work.
Featured Image Courtesy of Lauren Poltorak ’26
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