Lauren Poltorak ‘26
Mouthpiece of the Stars
Wondrous fall is officially upon us, and with a new season comes a whole new set of trials and tribulations. In order to provide you all with guidance on how to manage the upcoming season, I have used my divine cosmic powers to consult the stars on what they have planned for us all. Through the infallible power of astrology, I present the official fall horoscope. Only applicable specifically to Holy Cross students – for some reason. Predictions are 100 percent real and backed by science.
Aries: Your semester will be perfect and glorious and everyone will love you and you’ll get perfect grades. There’s not a single thing you need to do differently (the author is totally not biased).
Taurus: The planets are aligning in such a way that the doors of Kimball will get 100 times heavier for you specifically. There is no way to lessen this struggle. Sometimes having to push absurdly heavy doors in order to meet your basic needs is exactly what you need for character growth.
Gemini: The cosmos are feeling merciful to you this season. Every time you have to traverse through the dense crowds in Stein, everyone shall conveniently move out of your way. No more trudging along at a snail’s pace squeezed between a million other students trying to get out of the world’s most poorly designed entryway. How very lucky you are.
Cancer: The planets tell me that there shall be very little change for you this season. In fact, they have told me that there’s a high likelihood that you’ll get stuck in a Groundhog Day-esque time loop, living out the same day, every day until the end of time. I would advise that you seek out the wisdom of Tomo, a world-renowned time wizard.
Leo: As the blood moon shines upon the Earth, a thousand knives will rain over you from the sky. The only way to avoid the slaughter is by praying once a day to the spirit of Benedict Joseph Fenwick.
Virgo: This will be a month of tremendous growth for you. Halfway through the season, the moon will grow a creepy face and start descending towards the Earth, leaving only three days until our destruction. You will awaken in a parallel version of Holy Cross where you will journey across campus collecting strange masks and freeing numerous tribes from their troubles. Ultimately, you will defeat a mischievous imp, sending the moon back to its proper place and saving the land.
Libra: Toxic radiation from the Sun will blaze your computer at the exact moment you need to turn in a major assignment. The best way to prevent this? Sculpt a makeshift shelter out of tin foil and wait inside it, for you never know when the radiation might strike.
Scorpio: Be careful not to go into the woods alone this season. As Venus goes into hibernation or whatever, carnivorous spiders will be naturally drawn to you, leading them to scurry through the local forests searching for fresh meat.
Sagittarius: Much like a phoenix, you shall burst into a devastating ball of flames and be incinerated into ash in the middle of Kimball. Unlike a phoenix, you will not be reborn. To prevent this fate, you must chant the name of President Rougeau three times in a row while spinning in a circle.
Capricorn: The stars shall be kind to you this Fall. You may notice an abundance of tiny forest creatures following you out of the corner of your eye. These guys will be your friends and staunch protectors. If you treat them well, they’ll bring you tasty little sweet treats in the middle of the night.
Aquarius: By some divine miracle, the heavenly bodies will unite to bestow a season of tremendous luck and harmony. Indeed, your favorite study spot will always be open when you want it to be and you’ll never have too many assignments due at the same time. Seems like you’re quite fortunate. I’m sure many of the other signs whose fate is far less pleasant are quite jealous. Might wanna watch your back.
Pisces: The Night Demons will be especially angry at you this fall. As Halloween approaches, they’ll be restless to capture new souls for their autumn harvest. Make sure to sacrifice enough small animals to ease their fury. It may be a good idea to befriend a Capricorn if you hope to make it to winter break.
Featured image courtesy of National Geographic
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