Danielle Nutter ‘24
Food Critic
I know, I knowwwwww they cap off the quantity of stars a restaurant earns for excellence at five. Only those with functioning conveyor belts and readily available take out boxes are worthy of such a delectable title. Nevertheless, founders of the IDC-How-Many-Stars-The-Restaurant-Gets-Just-Chose-Already-I-Wanna-Go-To-Bed-Committee, the IDC Committee for short, immediately needs to scrap their system. There is simply no way New Kimball is expected to cap off at five stars. It surpasses every restaurant in its competition, leaving all other eateries in the garbage disposal. Bestowing New Kimball a mere five stars is not only unappetizing, it is downright unpalatable. The establishment is worthy of six stars. At the very least. Possibly 105.
New Kimball exceeds five stars because when one heaves those 1,000 pound doors aside and enters the restaurant, they are left speechless. The sleek, glossy floors seem to stretch as far as the line on Chicken Parm night. Each step taken by your birkenstocks is cushioned with immense support all thanks to the newly established glossy floors. The heavenly flooring leaves all restaurant goers with the same pickle- how am I expected to walk on another surface after being graced with such supportive hardwood/rubber/some-other-third-party flooring? Every other material will resemble steak knives after parading on New Kimball’s floor!
Yet the ground is not the only aspect of New Kimball which exceeds five stars. Newly installed booths provide both seclusion and stateliness. Sitting in them resembles dining at the 99 Restaurant, an establishment which requires booking months in advance to have even a prayer at sustaining a table. Yet, here at New Kimball there are no reservations for such scrumptious seating. You can stroll right in and find an empty booth any time of the day! Talk about fine dining. With New Kimball’s immaculate flooring and regal booths, there is no way it can share a five star rating with restaurants such as that one from Ratatouille where the rat is the chef. It is worthy of far higher praise. So please, write to the IDC Committee and help provide New Kimball with the recognition it deserves!
Featured image courtesy of Lauren Poltorak ’26
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