Michael Vail ‘24

Your New Academic Advisor, Because the Other One Told You to Take Orgo, and That’s Not Okay, It’s Borderline Sadistic

       Yeah, I’ve been around the block a few times.

     You could say I know the score, the ropes, the ins and outs. Of course selection, that is. This will be my sixth time doing it. Can you imagine? Six times in my life when I had to make a plan for something, meet with someone regarding that plan, get up a few hours early to execute that plan, and see that plan fall apart in front of my sleep-deprived eyes as I get the dreaded error message, “Sorry, this course is full! Should’ve clicked a millisecond faster, you moron.” Can you believe ITS wrote that?

     When I was a freshman, I tried to visualize my classes for the entire four years at Holy Cross. I tried to plan out everything. That was when I was naive, before I knew how little influence I actually had on my future. I’m sure some of you have gone—or are currently going—down that same path. This is the time to wake up and realize your perception of your future does not matter. Mine does. And that’s why I’m going to tell you about all the classes I think you should take next semester.

     THEA 380 — Crusaders of Steel. “Who is Superman? Who am I? Am I Superman? Yes, I am Superman,” confessed Professor Jorge Santos, when asked to provide an introduction to his new course. Exclusively offered to students on the film studies track, this course attempts to reflect on the similarities between Superman from the DC universe and the ideal Holy Cross student. Superman can stop an innocent woman from plummeting onto the concrete; you can do the same for your grades. That exam you just failed? That’s your kryptonite. If Superman can get through it, so can you. But did Superman ever solve his kryptonite problem? It was not mentioned in the textbook, but my sources tell me, “Maybe?”

     BIOL 214 — Observation of Observation of Marine Animals. Not to be confused with Harvard’s Marine Biology course Observation of Marine Animals. Harvard students receive the opportunity to go on weekly excursions to the New England Aquarium, where they observe dolphins and penguins in their unnatural habitat. Fortunately, the students upload footage of their observations online for their assignments, which Holy Cross students shamelessly access for their own secondhand experiences. In this course, you can observe these observational videos to learn about marine animals in a virtual environment, much like a Zoom class.

     CISS 299 — Staying Healthy and Sane in Your Dining Services Job. This is an interdisciplinary course with aspects of health sciences and economics. It covers topics such as work-life balance, stress management, and meditation. Workers’ rights are not currently a part of the curriculum, but some students have petitioned for its addition, to no avail. Of course, the economic aspect offers insight into how a college student might benefit from  earning $14.25 an hour, aiming to justify an answer to the question, “Why am I even working here?” Most students who enroll in this course take it alongside RELS 192 — Atheism.

     VAST 132 — Dorm Design & Decoration. If you’re like me, the walls of your dorm room are completely empty, perhaps with the exception of a single hanging whiteboard covered in mathematical atrocities. Your bed is capriciously made because you’re always running late for your eight o’clock class, the pile of clothes you were going to put away soon is giving you an icy stare, and the 20 dollar 4×6 rug you bought is always off-center in the most frustrating way. This course provides careful instruction on how to have the most neglected room possible, but in style. Your messy bed exudes an aura of productivity that tells all visitors how much you can’t wait to start your day. The pile of clothes is suddenly a convenient makeshift dresser for the next day. And that dreaded rug—the one that secretly makes your perfectionism bring out the worst in you—says, “I don’t care,” but in a cool way. It’s all about presentability.

     This concludes my list of all the courses you should take next semester. Don’t bother enrolling in anything else or taking a fifth course. These four should make a good foun.