Quidditch and their fall from grace

Mario Micallef ’22

Hairy Porter

Extra! Extra! Read (or at least skim most of it so that you feel decently confident to speak about it if called on or asked) all about it! The headmaster’s letter! Quidditch cancelled! Defies tradition! Shocking! You won’t believe it! Click here now for a free credit score! Special sale diet pills: new secret formula that really works! 

Dearest Hogwarts Quidditch Alumni,

I pray you, read this notice with your hearts open. If the nymphs hiss it such in mine ear and thou’s, that my purpose of this haste scribbling is to besmirch this honorable sport and our cherishable legacy of Quidditch, pluck a withy from a tree and shoo them thither. Nay. Nay. Nay. The news I bring is of grave misfortune and melancholy. At the behest of the staff and coaches I have decided to cancel the remainder of the Quidditch season. 

I can hear the banshee scream, her throat hoarse from her screeches. I forswear the cree of those who do not take this virus with the grave severity it so desires and deserves. Furthermore, thouest need not send your owls of hate to mine door. It is not I who made the wrong decisions, partied, and threw any caution to the Cerberus (of which our lawyer instructs me to say: we may or may not have on campus). Those student athletes, who chose getting “litty” far above their team and who continued not to meet our safety programme protocol standards, must be punished. Cancelling the season (even if the Warner Brothers will have to wait to film) is the best decision when considering the health and safety of our 9 ¾’s community. 

Graphic by Hui Li ’21.

It is indubitable that we face a somber and profound present. Moreover, we can not dilly nor dally and we need to behave like the upstanding citizens we are. Until there is order and student athletes are behaving studiously and safely during this pandemic. I am not asking for perfection. Yet we must trust the safety process and sacrifice unsafe fun as a result (but we can still have pure fun: join me on my weekly zoom call where I discuss every instance of when a student believed they were a better wizard than I). I believe in us! Hurray for Slytherin, Hufflepuff,  Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor! 

I won’t be blissful but if you would like to discuss my decision please write to my secretary at: and I will take your feedback and suggestions with an incomprehensible amount of grains of salt. 

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus. 

Alburp Fumbledoor

Categories: Eggplant

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