Michael Vail ‘24

Freelance Reporter Prodigy

Saturday, April 10, 2021, 7:23 p.m. Kimball Hall is roped off from the rest of the campus and firetrucks swarm the area. Starving students beg acquaintances for usage of their remaining dining dollars. Panic ensues.

Hello folks, this is a broadcast live from Kimball, and boy do I have a story for you!

Some of you who reluctantly choose to eat at Kimball may have heard about the situation that has been occurring over the past day. But how exactly did it escalate to this level of commotion? I’m here with sophomore Kimberly Halls, who claims to have witnessed the catalyst of the whole ordeal. Tell me, Kimberly, what did you see? The whole world is watching.

“Well, I came by the dining hall at around 1:55 p.m. to get some soggy fries before my 2 p.m. class. There was a guy, right there on the stairs—”

For all our listeners out there, Kimberly is currently pointing to the stairs. Apologies, Kimberly, please continue.

“Of course, so he was right there on the stairs, holding a sketchpad. He was sketching in the sketchpad very intently. It was kinda sketchy. I had never seen anyone do it before, so I glanced over and saw him drawing Fenwick Hall.”

Is that so? That doesn’t sound too disruptive. What happened next?

“So you see, I came back later to get a packet of ketchup for my half-eaten soggy fries, which I had microwaved twice more to achieve optimal sogginess. On my way there, I noticed a line of cars outside the building. The guy had placed a circle of orange traffic cones in the middle of the road, blocking any vehicles from passing through. I went over to him and introduced myself, actually—his name is Justin—and he told me that he ‘needed a closer view’—”

For all our listeners out there, Kimberly is making air quotes with her fingers. Sorry, Kimberly, please refrain from making gestures in the future. I don’t like interrupting you, trust me, but our audience can’t see your actions.

“I… um, alright. As long as I still get paid. As I was saying, he needed a closer view. This was two hours ago. Then, just a half hour ago, several of us could see him scaling the wall of Kimball. It was a fascinating sight, but equally terrifying. He didn’t have rock climbing gear or anything—just a sketchbook and a dream.”

Thank you for speaking with me, Kimberly. Now you all know the deal. But what do the public think about this kind of behavior? I’ve managed to interview one of the firefighters at the scene, who would like to share his thoughts.

“Yeah, we got the call when someone noticed him nearing the top of the building. Kid climbs fast. We got here fairly quickly, and after we managed to navigate the campus without hitting more than a few drunk students, we arrived at the scene. We had to close the dining hall early and restrict the entire area. At the moment, we’re trying to safely bring the kid down, but he’s resisting. One of us heard him shouting, ‘I needed an aerial view!’ while he furiously drew in his book. I want to make it clear that these kinds of actions are dangerous and should be discouraged.”

Thank you, sir. As you can see, not everyone supports the actions of our starving artist. However, as I head back to my dorm now, I must note that there is a cheering crowd of students who seem to admire the artist’s bravery. They have colorful banners which read, “We love you, Justin!” and “We didn’t want to eat here anyway!”

A picture of Justin scaling the building, taken by a Kimball employee, who claims it was “the most entertaining thing [she’d] seen all day”.