Mario Micallef ’22
[Tim swims & snorkels in the shallow waters of Newport Beach. His wife, Maybel, lays tanning.]
Maybel: Tim, honey, let’s eat!
[Tim remains underwater.]
M: Timbelthon Jones, I’m starving. Get out!
[Tim shoots up out of the water screaming and splashing.]
Tim: My foot! My foot! An urchin got me.
M: Oh my God! Run away!
[Tim stops thrashing, & heads toward Maybel.]
T: It burns like crazy.
M: Let me see it.
[Tim holds up his left foot.]
M: Has it always been this mangled? Good Lord, Tim. How have I never noticed this? There is so much hair. Do you even need socks?
[Maybel pokes Tim’s foot.]
T: Ouch! Don’t poke it! This isn’t funny. What am I supposed to do?
M: I think I know. This happened to me once. I was a kid, and a sea urchin stung my foot when I went boogie-boarding for the first time.
T: What did you do?
M: Well…
T: What? Tell me, Maybel. What did you do?
M: OK, fine, but you can never bring this up to anybody. Not even Michael when he gets home from summer camp.
T: I promise. I won’t tell anyone.
M: If you do, I’ll tell Michael about your Uncle giving you the pony for your bar mitzvah.
T: Maybel! I won’t tell anyone. What happened?
M: Alright, well, it’s a fact that urine is sterile. So, my dad, having been a beach bum his whole life, knew of such a fact.
T: Your dad peed on your foot!
M: Shh. Yes, he did. But it worked. I would stop the grin because in order to stop the sting you’re gonna need some urine.
T: Fine. Well, let’s go to the women’s room.
M: What? No. I can’t be the one to do it.
T: Why not? I’m dying here, this thing is killing me. It’s not like you haven’t peed in front of me before. I’m your husband for God Sake.
M: I’m sorry, I can’t.
T: I can’t believe this! I have to do everything! I’ll do it myself then.
M: No. Not only would that be a horrible image, of which would absolutely & permanently change the way I see you, it’d be futile. I don’t make the rules but it must be a father to urinate on you.
T: Are you kidding me? Why? Why would it matter?
M: I told you. I don’t make the rules. I guess it must be some pirate curse, or maybe some type of gypsy spell. I’m telling you, it works.
T: You know as well as I, my dad’s been dead for 8 years. What do I do?
M: I didn’t say your father. I said a father, or I’d bet a father figure would do the trick.
T: Who, then?
[Maybel points out a jogger.]
M: Excuse me! Can you come over here a minute?
[The man jogs over to them & runs in place.]
T: I know this may sound strange: my foot is stinging and I need you to pee on it.
Jogger: No way man. I don’t believe in that stuff. Besides, don’t you need a father figure for the trick to work?
T: You’re the best I’ve got right now.
M: Why don’t you just give some life advice and say you’re proud of him.
Jogger: I’m sorry. I don’t have time for this. I’m on my lunch break. I don’t even pee anyways.
[The jogger turns away and continues down the beach.]
T: Damn it!
M: It’s OK. Don’t worry. This is California, there’s got to be somebody willing. Oh, what about him?
[Maybel points at an old man who walks slowly and sways a metal detector over the sand.]
M: Excuse me! Can you come over here a minute?
T: He can’t hear you with those headphones on.
M: Let’s go to him then.
[Maybel grabs Tim’s hand & they run toward the man. Tim winces but hobbles along.]
[They reach the old man. Maybel taps him on the shoulder, and indicates to take the headphones off.]
M: Sir, can you please help us? My husband’s foot is stinging.
[The old man takes off his headphones and looks Tim up and down.]
Old Man: You need me to pee on ya sunny boy?
T: Yes, please. My foot is killing me.
Old Man: I bet it is. Alright, stick out your foot. Miss look away.
[The old man pees on Tim’s foot.]
T: OK. OK. I think you got it. It’s only my left foot that stings.
M: Thank you sir. I was beginning to think I was the only one who knew about the old trick.
Old Man: What old trick?
Categories: Eggplant