Urchin Father

Mario Micallef ’22

[Tim swims & snorkels in the shallow waters of Newport Beach. His wife, Maybel, lays tanning.]

Maybel: Tim, honey, let’s eat! 

[Tim remains underwater.]

M: Timbelthon Jones, I’m starving. Get out!

[Tim shoots up out of the water screaming and splashing.]

Tim: My foot! My foot! An urchin got me.

M: Oh my God! Run away!

[Tim stops thrashing, & heads toward Maybel.]

T: It burns like crazy.

M: Let me see it.

[Tim holds up his left foot.]

M: Has it always been this mangled? Good Lord, Tim. How have I never noticed this? There is so much hair. Do you even need socks?  

[Maybel pokes Tim’s foot.]

T: Ouch! Don’t poke it! This isn’t funny. What am I supposed to do? 

M: I think I know. This happened to me once. I was a kid, and a sea urchin stung my foot when I went boogie-boarding for the first time. 

T: What did you do?

M: Well…

T: What? Tell me, Maybel. What did you do?

M: OK, fine, but you can never bring this up to anybody. Not even Michael when he gets home from summer camp.

T: I promise. I won’t tell anyone.

M: If you do, I’ll tell Michael about your Uncle giving you the pony for your bar mitzvah.

T: Maybel! I won’t tell anyone. What happened?

M: Alright, well, it’s a fact that urine is sterile. So, my dad, having been a beach bum his whole life, knew of such a fact. 

T: Your dad peed on your foot!

M: Shh. Yes, he did. But it worked. I would stop the grin because in order to stop the sting you’re gonna need some urine.  

T: Fine. Well, let’s go to the women’s room.

M: What? No. I can’t be the one to do it. 

T: Why not? I’m dying here, this thing is killing me. It’s not like you haven’t peed in front of me before. I’m your husband for God Sake. 

M: I’m sorry, I can’t.

T: I can’t believe this! I have to do everything! I’ll do it myself then.

M: No. Not only would that be a horrible image, of which would absolutely & permanently change the way I see you, it’d be futile. I don’t make the rules but it must be a father to urinate on you.

T: Are you kidding me? Why? Why would it matter?

M: I told you. I don’t make the rules. I guess it must be some pirate curse, or maybe some type of gypsy spell. I’m telling you, it works. 

T: You know as well as I, my dad’s been dead for 8 years. What do I do? 

M: I didn’t say your father. I said a father, or I’d bet a father figure would do the trick. 

T: Who, then?

[Maybel points out a jogger.]

M: Excuse me! Can you come over here a minute?

[The man jogs over to them & runs in place.]

T: I know this may sound strange: my foot is stinging and I need you to pee on it.

Jogger: No way man. I don’t believe in that stuff. Besides, don’t you need a father figure for the trick to work?

T: You’re the best I’ve got right now. 

M: Why don’t you just give some life advice and say you’re proud of him. 

Jogger: I’m sorry. I don’t have time for this. I’m on my lunch break. I don’t even pee anyways.

[The jogger turns away and continues down the beach.]

T: Damn it! 

M: It’s OK. Don’t worry. This is California, there’s got to be somebody willing. Oh, what about him? 

[Maybel points at an old man who walks slowly and sways a metal detector over the sand.]

M: Excuse me! Can you come over here a minute?

T: He can’t hear you with those headphones on.

M: Let’s go to him then. 

[Maybel grabs Tim’s hand & they run toward the man. Tim winces but hobbles along.]

[They reach the old man. Maybel taps him on the shoulder, and indicates to take the headphones off.]

M: Sir, can you please help us? My husband’s foot is stinging.

[The old man takes off his headphones and looks Tim up and down.]

Old Man: You need me to pee on ya sunny boy?

T: Yes, please. My foot is killing me. 

Old Man: I bet it is. Alright, stick out your foot. Miss look away. 

[The old man pees on Tim’s foot.]

T: OK. OK. I think you got it. It’s only my left foot that stings.

M: Thank you sir. I was beginning to think I was the only one who knew about the old trick. 

Old Man: What old trick?

Categories: Eggplant

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