Eggplant

Nevada was Trying to Look Cool (and it Didn’t Work)

Hannah Johnson ‘21

Chief Eggplant Reporter

The eyes of US citizens have been making shifty glances at Nevada after the 2020 election debacle. We here at the (Spire) want to offer you an inside look into the mind of Nevada, and what exactly they were trying to accomplish this election cycle.

Nevada has always been, self-described, a “lonely, needy state.” They were never very popular amongst the other American states, and in particular, they looked upon the “Swing States” with envy and rage. The “Swing States” is the nickname for the clique of states most popular during the US elections. States like Florida, North Carolina, Colorado, and Wisconsin garner a lot of attention due to the competitive political race they stir–they can sometimes go either blue or red. Nevada, if people even considered it a swing state, has never been highly looked at, and the longer they’ve been left alone, the more desperate they have become for any kind of attention.

That brings us to the November Presidential race. Nevada had a bit of a meltdown and decided to throw all its boxes of mail-in ballots into the Colorado River. This resulted in the entirety of the US angrily staring down Nevada and its yet-ambiguous 6 electoral votes (which would have brought Biden’s 264 to a perfect 270 for the win) while Nevada sat in the desert and twiddled its thumbs. They were counting their ballots (allegedly, one ballot every five hours) while inwardly lavishing themselves in the attention they were getting–albeit, negative attention, at this point. 

It was so much attention and discourse that Nevada used up all their energy and fell asleep. But, when they woke up, they found that their Twitter, inbox, and fax machine were all empty of messages, and suddenly everyone was looking at Pennsylvania who, like a true hero, had quietly and efficiently counted its votes, while Nevada was slacking off, and secured the Presidential victory for Biden. Nevada proceeded to have another meltdown.

“Hey guys!” said Nevada, running late to the party, clutching fistfuls of ballots and crying profusely. “We finished counting! Biden won!”

“Biden already won, Nevada,” said the other states. “You’re late to the party. Pennsylvania won it for us!”

“Hooray for Pennsylvania!” cheered the blues. And so, Nevada crawled back to the desert, depressed that its plan to look cool in front of the nation backfired. Instead, they just looked a fool. Thanks again, Nevada, for finishing your count after the race was over. You really came in clutch there.

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