Finals Advice in the Shape of a Thank You

Matt Anderson ‘21
Part-Time Tyrant

In a show of gratitude for patronizing The Eggplant, Matt Anderson details how to ace Holy Cross’ first-ever online finals. Photo courtesy of Chadwick McHigginsbottomworth.

Although J.D. Power and Associatesranked The Eggplant as the nation’s most trustworthy publication named after a fruit or vegetable, it may distress our hordes of dedicated readers – who depend upon our column for the current goings-on at Mount St. James – that many of our hard-hitting articles have been secretly satirical. Here at The Eggplant, we strive towards perfection but settle for the bizarre. Despite this, I want to thank those who, for some reason, still decided to pick up and read the paper, and even now, tune in to read online. Since the move to social distancing, The Eggplant has risen up from its meager beginnings as a satirical print column. It now enjoys a daily readership of 8.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in Holy Cross history. So, thank you to the editors, staff writers, and readers of The Eggplant for a great year. Good luck with finals, so long as you don’t do better than me. 

As a genuine show of gratitude, and so I don’t get called “a monster” by my political enemies for being competitive, I’ve also included directions on how to study like me so you can do average great on your online finals: 

  1. Design a realistic workload to tackle your upcoming projects and study for your tests. Proceed to ignore it all and spend that time having a nervous breakdown instead.
  2. After concluding your third breakdown, make sure to clean whatever room of the house where you’re planning on doing work, effectively turning it into a sensory deprivation pod.
  3. Pause to imagine what you would be doing right now on campus. 
  4. Stop because the thoughts are too painful.
  5. Highlight every line of your notes and readings for some reason. 
  6. Since visualization is essential to remember key concepts, try picturing how screwed you’ll be if you forget how the Marxist dialectic works.
  7. Take a short break and browse TikTok for a few hours. 
  8. Hours before your final is due, end up pulling an all-nighter to get it done.
  9. Remember that you’ve had more opportunities, privilege, and support than anyone in your family’s history. Feel guilty, and pledge to work harder on the next final.
  10. Wash, rinse, repeat.

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