Matt Anderson ‘21
Award-Winning Holy Cross Choir Roadie
One Holy Cross Junior has resorted to desperate measures to remain connected to the Holy Cross community. Photo courtesy of Father Boroughs.
Back in 2007, Google™ embarked on an ambitious project, one that would see every one of your ex’s homes photographed. This culminated in what we now call Google Streetview™. Now, in 2020, in a fit of genius as well as desperation, Imma Lone ‘21, a junior, has resorted to using it to combat the increasingly loud disembodied voices within her own head (who have taken residence since social distancing started). In a Friday morning interview with The Eggplant, she explained her novel way to stay connected with The Hill.
“Honestly I just like to go through my daily routine, as if I were actually there,” she said cryptically over the phone. “It’s so cathartic to go onto Google Earth and to pretend to be meeting up with your friends. Belphegor, one of my voices, plays along and does a great impersonation of my friend Jake! And Malaphar, the attractive one with the accent, likes to pretend he’s Dr. Fauci!”
Attached below is a snippet of Imma’s disconcerting Friday schedule:
❌6:00 AM: Rise and scream into the cosmic void with Belphegor and Malaphar.
❌9:30 AM: Go onto Google Earth and start at Alumni Hall.
❌10:00 AM: While in Streetview, head up to Coolbeans, pause under Alumni bridge and pretend you almost got sideswiped by a Holy Cross smart car going mach 5. Be a little disappointed you didn’t get hit and earn a full-ride senior year.
❌12:00 PM: Leave Coolbeans and head to Stein Hall for the Angels and Demons lecture with Fr. Gavin.
❌2:30 PM: While “walking” past Hogan, contemplate logging onto a Virtual Popcorn Tuesday one of these days. Belphegor assures me I’m not that insane yet.
❌5:45 PM: Look at Kimball and make a joke about how you know it’s Friday cause Kimball smells like a fish market. Malaphar laughs, Belphegor calls you dumb.
❌11:00 PM: Put on a crop top and pretend you’re in an uber heading to your favorite club, go along the entire highway in Streetview.
❌2:30 AM: Let the voices lull you into a restless slumber.
❌3:45 AM: Dream of personally pounding back Claws with Dr. Fauci and the homies one day.