Dan Eats

Mario Micallef ’22

Eggplant Editor

[Dan is a disheveled man dressed in a suit] 

[Dan looks to be gearing himself up for something outside of a door, and breathing heavily] 

Dan (to himself): I can do this, I can do this. 

[Dan walks slowly into the restaurant simply named “Home Cooking”] 

Hostess: Hello Sir!! Good afternoon!! 

[A person to the side of the scene has a sign on them that reads ‘Dan’s Mind’] Dan’s Mind: How does she know what I’m up to? She doesn’t know. I could be a robber. 

Hostess: Sir? 

Dan (clearing throat): Hello…yeah it’s just gonna be me eating today. 

Hostess (with a smile): Table for one great! Let me walk you to your table. 

Dan’s Mind: Is she smiling because I’m sitting alone? No, wait she must’ve seen my new socks. 

[Dan is given a seat at a makeshift table in the back of the restaurant right in front of the restrooms] 

Hostess: Here you are sir, your waitress will be with you shortly. 

Dan’s Mind: I wish my son had a hostess, I’d definitely show up more often. 

Dan: Ok. 

[He looks at the essentially empty ketchup bottle and fiddles with the napkin container (a 1950s push and grab napkin container)] 

Dan’s Mind: Sings/hums the song “Lion Sleeps Tonight” by The Tokens. 

[Dan grabs a napkin to set on the table but when grabbing it from the container it rips, he doesn’t hesitate and continues to spread the tattered napkin on the table] 

Waitress: Hi there! My name is Penelope and I will be your server today! What would you like to drink? 

Dan’s Mind: I wonder if it was a practice invented by cowboys in the wild west to get a drink before the meal. 

Dan (smiling as he finishes the last word): Nothing for me thanks, I’m on a solid only diet. 

Dan’s Mind: I’m so proud of myself, one whole month water weight free. 

Waitress: Oh…okay…well…do you know what you want to order? 

Dan: Yeah,I’m going to do the pizza. 

Waitress: Okay great! A few questions first. What kind of cheese topping would you like on it? We have string cheese, mixed sprinkle cheese or spray cheese. 

Dan: I’ll do the sprinkled cheese. 

Waitress: Sounds good, but we’re almost out of it, so I’ll just bring you the bag. Now, what kind of sauce would you like? We have maple syrup, V8 juice, and ketchup. 

[The Waitress happily nods to the bottle on the table.] Dan’s Mind: F*** V8 juice. 

Dan: Uhhh….I think I’ll stick with the ketchup, but can you bring me some warm tap water to fill it up? 

Waitress: A house favorite, sure thing! What would you like to put all of this on? We have half a bag of Ritz crackers, whatever’s left of the Saltines, and oh, of course, our signature selection of just the cookie part from an oreo; chocolate and vanilla flavored. 

Dan’s Mind: F*** Ritz crackers. 

Dan: I’ll take the Saltines, and can you bring a plate this time? 

Waitress: Absolutely!! I’ll have that right out for you. 

Dan: Great, thanks. 

Dan’s Mind: Wait no, damn it, I totally should’ve gone with the Ritz crackers. [Dan forces a smile but doesn’t look the waitress in the eye as she leaves]. 

[While Dan waits you can visually see him notice that he is extremely thirsty as he opens and closes his mouth, but he says nothing and just stares at the napkin holder with his fingers almost caressing it] 

Dan’s Mind (touching area just below bottom lip): Did anyone ever trust Lincoln with a pinkie-promise? He’d be lying if he went along with it. He really should’ve tried the soul patchout, he would’ve looked so boss. 

[The waitress rushes back quickly with a paper plate in her hand, yet Dan does not lift his head from his hand when she quickly walks up to him] 

Waitress: And here we go: here’s the plate, saltines, warm tap water for the ketchup, and the bag of sprinkled cheese. 

[Waitress sets the ingredients on the table in front of Dan] 

Dan: Ok, and, now, where has the microwave moved to? 

Waitress: Just back there, behind the chairs towards the maintenance closet. 

Dan: Super, thank you so much. 

Waitress: Is there anything else I can do for you? 

Dan: Uh, yes actually. 

Waitress: Okay great! And what would that be? 

Dan (scoffs): What? … no I’m fine. Thanks again. 

[Dan sheepishly smiles and then looks down at the ingredients and scratches his head] 

Waitress:…..Alright well, if you need anything just let me know. 

[She turns to walk away] 

Dan: Oh yes, can I get one more thing? 

[The waitress turns back with a smile a bit half forced now] 

Waitress: Sure thing, what’ll it be? 

Dan (sternly): Pardon? I told you I’m fine, thank you very much. 

Waitress (confused):…..Okay….well…sir….if you need anything just give me a holler. 

[The waitress turns away exiting out of the scene] 

[Dan puts his hands together and looks down with his eyes closed as if to pray but is too uncomfortable so doesn’t fully commit] Dan’s Mind: What’s the one you’re supposed to say before a meal? 

Dan: The ten commandments! 

[Dan snaps a finger as he remembers] 

Dan’s Mind: Shoot, I really should put that to memory. Note to self: need to buy index cards. 

[Dan then grabs the saltines and dumps them on the paper plate only to find it’s just the crumbs and that some have fallen onto the ground.] 

[Dan reaches down to pick some crumbs up from the floor and a gun falls out of his suit] 

Dan’s Mind: What did I bring my gun for again? Damn it Dan, you should’ve written this down. 

[Dan puts the gun back into his pocket, looks at his watch double taps on it as if the batteries are dead, and then turns to pick up the ketchup in one hand & the tap water cup in the other] 

[Dan sighs and shakes his head with a smile] Dan’s Mind: I need to go out for Sunday brunch more often. 

[A masked man with a gun raised into the air barges into the restaurant] 

Masked Man: Nobody moves! This is a stick up! 

Hostess (frightened): I can get you the money, please don’t shoot! 

[Masked Man points his gun at the Hostess] 

Masked Man: What the f*** did you say? 

Dan’s Mind: See, I f***ing knew I’m not the only one who can’t hear in those masks. 

[Hostess passes out onto the floor] 

Masked Man: Oh s***, no. 

Dan: Hey man, could you pass me the salt from that table by you? 

[Masked Man now points his gun at Dan] 

Dan’s Mind: I shouldn’t even be asking for more salt anyway; really can’t do another kidney stone ordeal this week. 

Masked Man (sternly): Do you know where they keep the money? 

Dan: Hell if I know. What’s the word on that salt by the way? [Dan points to his plate and shrugs] 

Dan (chuckles): I just can never get enough. 

Masked Man: I don’t have time to chat pal, kind of busy here. [Dan sneezes] 

Masked Man: Bless you. 

Dan: Thank you. 

Masked Man: Alright, where’s the register? 

Dan (surprised): I never knew they had one. All I know is where they keep the microwave. 

Masked Man (annoyed/confused): What do you mean? 

Dan’s Mind: There should really be two ways to spell ‘mean’. Maybe tonight I’ll come up with some options and send it to Merriam. 

Dan: The Microwave is just back over there. 

Masked Man: No, forget that, where do they keep the money? 

Dan: Well… of all my years coming here they’ve never once charged me a cent. 

[Masked Man gets visibly angry and takes a deep long nostril inhale] 

Masked Man: I’m going to count to three and if you’re not out of here by 3 you’ll be eating bullets. 

Dan (impressed): Oh I see what you did there. Very good.

[Masked Man points his gun with two hands at Dan] 

Masked Man (yelling): ONE! 

[Dan scurries out of his chair, and trips slightly over it] 

Masked Man (yelling more intensely): TWO! 

[Dan rushes away from the restaurant out of scene] 

[Masked Man looks around the restaurant, slams on Dan’s former table, then glances down at Dan’s plate of food] 

Masked Man: Damn, I haven’t had me a red saltine cheese platter in ages. 

[Masked Man sets his gun on the table and sits down in front of the plate of food] 

Masked Man (setting the napkin in his lap): Shoot, I really should’ve learnt the ten commandments. 

[Waitress walks into the scene from the back of the stage] 

Waitress: Is there anything else I can get for you today? 

Masked Man (picking up some food): No, I think I’m all set. 


Categories: Eggplant

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