Greg Hausler ’20
Chief Eggplant Editor
Since his release from incarceration for armed robbery and kidnapping, former football star, national icon, and murderer OJ Simpson has made a return to public life via Twitter. While most are anxiously waiting to hear The Juice speak about his time behind bars, OJ has taken a different route to reconnecting with the general public: fantasy football.
This calculated decision has led to a plethora of inquiries regarding potential members of the league and more importantly their team names. Being the highly acclaimed international investigative journalists that we are here at The Eggplant we have received countless tips from our sources regarding the league members and their strategies on draft night. And yes, most importantly, this is an 8 team point per reception(PPR) league. Listed below are the league members, their respective team names, as well as their draft night strategies.
- OJ Simpson: Two Birds One Knife
When asked why he drafted fellow bad samaritans Ben Roethlisberger, Tyreek Hill, or Joe Mixon, Simpson insisted “I didn’t but if I did I would have taken…” before being cut off and hastily taken away from the microphone by sock mogul and legal counsel Rob Kardashian Jr.
- Dennis Rodman & Kim Jong-Un (Co-Owners): 2 Friends, One Team, One Empire
Dennis and Kim selected Kim-Jong Un with their first, second, third, fourth, and fifth rounders because after all there is no better athlete in the world. While every other league manager needed a restroom break this was no worry for this team as Coach Kim’s body is so well calibrated he does not feel the urge to urinate or defecate.
- Martin Shkreli: Pharma Bros
Shkreli asked for the league buy in to be increased from a reasonable price to one which nobody could afford. He then offered his Wu-Tang Clan album to Giuliani who declined having no idea who the iconic rap group was.
- Casey Anthony: The Dynasty
Anthony selected rookie star Kyler Murray with the 4th overall pick in the draft. When asked why she selected Murray, Anthony said she valued his youthful presence, and mistakenly believed that this was a dynasty league.
- Jeff Probst: Celebrity Survivor Season 99: Fantasy Island
The longtime Survivor host chose to join the league for the challenge of surviving a night with The Juice and Kim in the same room.
- Rudy Giuliani: New York Knicks
The former New York City mayor and CNN reality TV star believed this was a fantasy basketball league and missed the draft as he lacked strong signal in Ukraine. However, he butt dialed in and selected Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman with his first two picks.
- Matthew McConaughey: The Lincoln Ballers
Matthew called in using the hands free feature in his brand new Lincoln Aviator, which can be bought at your local Lincoln retailer for $52,480 and only $5,000 at down payment. When asked to comment on why he traded out of the 1st pick and selected a defense first round, McConaughey commented “Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward”
- Nicholas Cage: National Treasure 3:
Cage ran into the draft in costume in an attempt to steal the first pick. When he realized he could not steal the pick, he proceeded to film seven low-budget films throughout the duration of the draft. All films can be accessed on DisneyPlus.