Not From New England
Many Holy Cross students who come from areas of the world other than New England are faced with the challenge of becoming accustomed to the Massachusetts lifestyle. I came from a simple life on the farm* back home in Illinois (*affluent suburb 20 minutes north of Chicago,) and quickly realized that I was going to have to assimilate into New England culture if I ever wanted to fulfill my dream of being let into a party off campus. I tried to incorporate some Boston lingo into my vernacular, but when I tried to look up some of the vocabulary I realized someone was playing a joke on me because no one actually calls a water fountain a “bubbler.” I tried to incorporate some New England fashion into my wardrobe, but my professors didn’t seem to appreciate me wearing a “Saturdays Are For The Boys” shirt to class every day. Finally, I delved into the recesses of Boston history in order to find the common denominator that binds all New Englanders and I found my answer: Championships. Ever since St. Patrick himself laid the first bricks of the Freedom Trail, Bostonians have been celebrating their city’s athletic prowess. In order to bring myself closer to the Massachusetts way of life, I watched all of the Boston championship appearances since 2000 and decided to rank them:
Number One: 2013 Stanley Cup Finals: (Chicago Blackhawks def. Boston Bruins 4-2)
This championship series pitted the Bruins against another Original Six franchise, the Chicago Blackhawks, led by captain Jonathan Toews and superstar Patrick Kane, who once punched a cab driver in the face. The series was hard fought up until the final whistle as these two teams battled for their second championship in recent history. The Bruins held a 2-1 lead late in Game Six, a lead that would have sent the series into a pivotal Game Seven in Chicago. The Blackhawks scored two goals 17 seconds apart to take the lead with a minute left to go, however, and the Blackhawks went back home to Chicago with their second Stanley Cup in three years.
Tied for First: Super Bowl XVII: (New York Giants def. New England Patriots 17-14)
The Patriots were very heavily favored coming into this game, entering the Super Bowl with an undefeated record. Newly acquired receiver Randy Moss proved to be worth his weight in gold as the Patriot’s offense set numerous records during the 2007 regular season, including a record 50 touchdowns for quarterback Tom Brady. Unfortunately, Brady was bested by Eli Manning, whose brother is very good, and the New York Giants as a magical late-game drive led them past New England. The drive was kept alive by a miraculous catch by David Tyree and the game-winning touchdown catch by former gun owner Plaxico Burress.
Also Tied For First: Super Bowl LII (Philadelphia Eagles def. New England Patriots 41-33)
Once again, Tom Brady willed the Patriots to the Super Bowl despite his old age and a four-game suspension for Deflategate. With starting quarterback Carson Wentz out for the underdog Eagles, the Patriots looked like they were in prime position to claim the Lombardi Trophy, however former St. Louis Rams legend Nick Foles had other ideas, as his monster performance led to a 41-33 win for the Eagles and a Super Bowl MVP.
This One Is Also Tied for First: 2010 NBA Finals (LA Lakers def. Boston Celtics 4-3)
The Lakers won their fifth championship under Phil Jackson as Academy Award winner Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol led Los Angeles past Doc Rivers and the Celtics. This would be the last finals appearance for the Big Three Celtics as Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce were traded to the Nets two years later for some draft picks that didn’t turn out to be that important.
Folks, this is ALSO tied for First: Super Bowl XLVI (New York Giants def. New England Patriots 21-17)
Tom Brady’s close, personal friend Aaron Hernandez scored 1 touchdown in this Super Bowl as the Patriots defense was no match for future Hall of Famer Eli Manning. The game included an iconic half time show performance from hip-hop superstars LMFAO, who upstaged scheduled performer Madonna to perform their two hits “Party Rock Anthem” and “I’m Sexy and I Know It.”
Honorable Mentions: Super Bowls 36, 38, 39, 49, 51, 53; World Series ‘04, ‘08, ‘13, ‘18. NBA Finals ‘08. Stanley Cup Finals ‘11.
This article appeared in the annual satire edition of the Spire.