Liam Prendergast ’19
Keeping with Holy Cross’ mission to prepare students for a life beyond the Hill, the Pre-Business program has added cocaine to its list of requirements to obtain their official certificate. This bold move places graduating Crusaders in an ideal position to succeed in the fast-paced environment of the business world.
“Alumni have told us that what they look for most in prospective employees is real-world experience,” explained the program director. “We mostly want to make sure our graduates can hang–and by that I mean rip massive lines.” Holy Cross has consistently been named one of the best schools for salary potential, and this deft move will surely keep up that tradition.
This change to the program has received some blow-back. Some students have argued that it is best to leave drug consumption to the student’s discretion. “I can assure you that Holy Cross students are shoveling Florida snow up their noses as quickly as humanly possible,” said one Vineyard Vines-clad student that spoke under the conditions of anonymity. “I might not know anything about business, but I can tell you the purity of a bag of star-spangled-powder from one sniff.”
Instead, some students in the program have asked for comprehensive sex-education, citing a mixture of ‘women inventing sexual organs,’ and widespread venereal disease. “My [partem virem] hasn’t worked right since I lived in Wheeler,” explained one concerned Senior. “I don’t know what’s going on, but it looks like something out of a Civil War hospital down there.”
Starting with the class of 2020, students pursuing a Pre-Business certificate must fail at least one drug test a semester. It is important to note, however, that students who test positive for crack will immediately be removed from the school.