The Holy Cross Marketing Team
Today, members of the Holy Cross student body lined the hallway outside Father Boroughs’s office for the sole purpose of letting him know what a great job he’s doing. They held signs and cheered every time he walked out of his office, presumably to complete his daily brisk stride through Cool Beans and confuse the hell out of every first year who still isn’t quite sure of exactly who he is.
A student interviewed at the demonstration said, through gritted teeth as though she was trying to prevent herself from laughing, “Yeah, we just want to be right outside his office and get our pants as filthy as possible so we can spend the day congratulating him for spending more time soliciting donations than interacting with students.” When asked what her favorite highlight of his presidency was, she thought for a moment and said, “Probably his response to the Chris Dustin article seven days after it was published. I really liked the part when he presented us information that was already in the article and ended it by letting us know that this was also painful for him. I’m so happy he has the ability to empathize with us like that.”
A representative from the President’s office remarked, “It’s great to see students coming together to praise the administration like this. I don’t know what spurred this demonstration of gratitude – I haven’t read any of the signs or heard what they were cheering at him – but my suspicions lie with the beautiful new facilities we’ve provided non-athletes at the Luth Center.” This author is inclined to agree. I mean, have you even seen those treadmills? I’ve never been more confident that a machine will not abruptly stop and throw me off in my life. The representative was quick to add that any other students wishing to virtually show their thanks were welcome to donate to the Holy Cross Fund.
At press time, several students had begun a chant involving the phrase “Daddy B,” presumably to convey that they see him as an actual father figure.