Tim Elder ‘28
Speculating…
It is my great dishonor to report that within the next 168 hours The Spire’s very own
Ashwin Prabaharan will unfortunately perish. Ashwin is probably survived by other members of
his family but that information is not readily available to the mass population. More importantly,
Ashwin is survived by all of the current members of The Spire who will probably forget about
his presence in the next couple of weeks.
Ashwin is tragically going to meet his match during his top secret government spy
mission in Ukraine next week. The current propaganda is that it is a “work trip” but we all know there’s more to the story.
The scene will be something like this. Ashwin, dawned in his James Bond tuxedo, will
stand between Russia and Ukraine and try to be a moderator of the two parties. Unfortunately for
Ashwin “James Bond” Prabaharan, he has underestimated the might of Putin’s gaze and will
likely perish in the same way Spider-Man did in Avengers: Infinity War. That’s how God drew it
up in the playbook and it was unfortunately one he couldn’t change at the line of scrimmage.
This does raise the question as to why someone would go to such a place during wartime.
Did the other members of the E-Board conspire an elaborate scheme for this result? I guess we’ll
never know.
Ultimately, Ashwin may rest in a sweater vest and khaki filled paradise and his legacy
will forever live on throughout the Holy Cross student-run newspaper.
*For legal purposes this is all just speculation.
Copy edited by Sophia Mariani ’26
Featured image courtesy of LinkedIn
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