Finn Ryan ‘29
Jeff Bezos’s Assistant, Maybe
Following Amazon’s recent acquisition of MGM for $8.5 billion, there has been much speculation over who will take up the role of British MI6 agent James Bond following the end of Daniel Craig’s run in 2021. The media titan has slated a 2028 release for Bond’s next film, with academy award-nominated director Denis Villeneuve attached to direct – but Amazon has stayed silent on who will be playing the secret agent – until now.
The announcement came last Friday as part of a company-wide press release. It began with Jeff Bezos gripping the podium, bright studio lights shining off his bald head, looking sternly into the camera. “SC-007,” he declared in a booming, confident voice. The room went quiet. Everyone sat eagerly waiting for Bezo’s next words. None came, but a slight thudding could be heard coming from behind the CEO. The crowd murmured as the mysterious noise became louder and louder, soon recognized as the unmistakable sound of footsteps approaching. It grew into a din- heavy metallic thumps combined with a mechanical whirring that seemed to never end. Finally when it seemed like the noise had become just too much to bear, it revealed itself: SC Amazon Systems Model 007.
It stood beside the podium, wearing a flat expression next to Bezo’s cocky grin. The audience did not, they could not, believe their own eyes. One reporter fainted. Another screamed and ran out of the room. It was him, it was Sean Connery, but that was impossible! He died years ago, and besides, something like this had never been seen in the industry before. A major studio, tampering with the beloved past just for nostalgia’s sake and because they were creatively bankrupt? Simply unconscionable. Despite their disbelief, SC-007 stood there before them, a spitting image of Sir Sean Connery in 1962, white tuxedo, thick eyebrows, suave gaze and all.
When the audience came back down from their utter shock at the mechanical heap of Scottish thespian that stood before them, Bezos, still sporting a smile, began to speak again. “The acting droid Model 007 is a self-sufficient Oscar-winning robot. The 007 is currently programmed for our upcoming Bond series, but that is only the beginning. After a successful three-film trilogy, we can expect SC-007 to become the predominant entertainment provider for the next decade.” He began to laugh, turning from small chuckles to full-blown guffaws in only a few seconds. “He even sounds like him too! Show them, 007.” The robot’s face quickly snapped into a smooth smile and began to speak. “A martini. Shaken, not shtirred,” the audience once again couldn’t believe what they witnessed: it sounded exactly like Sean Connery, right down to each inflection.
Bezos elaborated on how Amazon’s James Bond series was only an inkling of what was to come. With this technology, he announced, universally cherished classics such as “Medicine Man” and “Highlander II: The Quickening” could now be given new life with reboots of their own. “The future is now,” Bezos said, still wearing the grin that hadn’t left him since unveiling his creation, “I am merely accelerating the process.”
Featured image courtesy of SYFY.com
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